So this isn’t a new revelation to me. It was developed in lower school grades and as I got older it didn’t go away. It’s still a major issue for me to know that I’m doing good or looking good or whatever rendition thereof that I need to make sure that I’m living up to or better then people’s expectations of me. I know, particularly shallow of me, but it’s majorly where my shiny attitude comes from. Shine on me or be shiny around me and I’m a shiny person if I don’t get shined on then I’m normally gloomy. It makes sense if you think about the sun and clouds. <_<

So I have my boy and I love his cute little face to death but when I start to get a little down the small amount of affection, that was getting me down in the first place most likely, drops off the face of the earth which just plummets me into a very sad and serious panda. Last night I had a breakdown. He was on the game again and I was missing my kids and my affection from any facet. I was not feeling so shiny and it’s hard for me to relay these things most of the time verbally (normally I just beg for attention in other ways, shaking my bum or getting in your face or try to get touchy feely or my worst case scenario is sighy and quiet). I feel like everything I say is clouded to him because I back it up with emotions no matter what it is. He thinks it’s a device or something and I just try to hide it now but that just makes me all the more frustrated. I’ve considered ways to approach him about it but I can’t find one giving up instead and I’m afraid that if I don’t find this way and keep conceding defeat then I’m going to explode (as I normally do with these things) and then all hell will break loose (as they normally do) and I don’t want it to happen that way I want it to work out but I don’t have a good way to say, “just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean you should drop affection.” it’s frustrating me. I’m confused. I’m hurt all over.

I know part of this is my normal lack of children interaction during the days at work. I get default affection from them, even if it’s simply “MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM” or screaming and crying. I still get it and I know I’m needed and wanted. My things are always there for me and I love them all the more for that but I want the boy to be there for me to. I wish there was a “How to read signals” or “How to read minds” book that I can read and introduce to my boyfriend because I think this would fix most of my problem here.

I do appreciate you guys listening to me rant. I feel a little less upset and angry about it now because I sound a little silly I know. I also know that I do need to find a positive way to negotiate an understanding of how to make me feel better when I don’t feel great. Normally even forcing me to stop and just giving me a hug and a passionate kiss would help. I just like to feel wanted no matter what is gong on. The world could be crumbling around and life still wouldn’t be that bad.

I want this to work but I can’t keep trumping what I need because he gets mad at me.

So I feel that my Morrgroove or Morrmojo or Mojo-Jojo is gone and never coming back. I feel uninspired dull and downright blechy most days. I’ll sit at my computer and things that make me inspired and happy to do online feel like chores. It’s not supposed to be this way. My hobbies should feel fun and exciting to come home to. I should want to get all of my other stuff out of the way so I can sit down and enjoy the happy things and life. But I don’t and it depresses me.

So the normal responses that I’m sure I’ll here is “Get a new hobby” or “If it depresses you then find out why” well I don’t know why. I love being at my computer. I love writing. I love coding websites. I love making images. I LOVE Rping and yet all of these things don’t inspire me at all.  This could be the 12 hour days at work but really if that’s what is killing it for me then why did I enjoy them in the first place? Because it killed time? I used to itch to get home and turn on my laptop and see all the amazing things I missed that day and regret missing it. Now it’s just one more thing I need to do.

I need my Morrmuse back. It’s gone and I can’t find it. If you see her please send her straight back with my brain. It would be muchly appreciated.

So I’ve still been stressed. I think I find it hard to write about my life when I’m stressed. I think that stems from the fact that if I write about my stressful life, while I’m stressed about it, it just makes me MORE stressed. It’s just not very fun to say the least. So any of my loyal followers that like to read my random rants, I apologize. With the stupid stepdad stuff and then the move I’ve just not been all ranty and ravey. Well that’s not true, I HAVE been all ranty and ravey but I just haven’t been motivated to talk about it.

Tonight isn’t bad but I don’t really have much to rave about. That is unless you count my ankle!

So! I’ve been moving the past week and up and down stairs, lift, back pain, exhaustion right? Well this is awesome! I’m sitting here walking down the stairs with a big drawer from the armoire and I seemed to forget how the stairs worked, or the step vanished like in HP because I went from having 3 steps left until the landing to sitting on the landing floor with a hurting ankle and tears streaming down my face

THIS WAS THE SECOND FUCKING TIME THAT THIS HOUSE ATTACKED ME THIS WEEK!

The first time I was sitting down at the computer after a long days work, relaxing on the floor when BAM! the bed frame to my bed came crashing down on my head! (Awesome I just rhymed a little) It cut my head open and I was crying then too. I swear I haven’t cried that much since my husband told me that he wanted a divorce or the last time that I thought about my brother Davey. Sad days in the Morrigan house. Right now I’m hoping that my ankle will improve drastically by tomorrow. I really hate hobbling and I hate not being to help like I should. I’m a strong woman, or not a wimpy one, and so I should be lifting things not frowning and hobbling about when I can’t seem to get something or it hurts because I can’t walk right.

The kids like the new house though. Fae was given her own Harry Potter-esque room under the stairs. It was mostly because she was complaining about it and Grandma is awesome so she gave her, her own room. Grandma-win on this one. She went to bed down there tonight and we’ll see how it works out in the morning. Really I just need to get a job so I can get my own place but the economy in AZ SUCKS!!! Just thought I’d put that out there. Also, the neighbors here are very awesome! Great kid neighborhood and the parents seem very friendly. I didn’t even feel like an outsider, like my kids will be set apart, no, they seem to be fitting right in which is especially awesome.

So, on top of Madness fail I’m also wootfailing at my webcomic. I haven’t updated for a few weeks there either. about the same amount that I’ve been missing posting here. I will be changing that shortly though! I intend to be doing a week of webcomics starting Monday so that you all know that I’m not dead and that I love you for reading my bizarre stuff. I hope that will make up for the weeks miss and keep you reading for the weeks to come.

Website updates?

I’m a domain name addict. I just bought two new domains that will probably sit dormant until I figure out what to do with them. I got Woothappens.com and RPersanonymous.com. I know what I’m going to do with RPers Anonymous, it’s going to be an RP resource forum for both administrators and roleplayers. It will probably start off on something self-hosted but if it grows enough I think I will ask for donations to upgrade it to IPB. (IPB is by far the best forum software in the world) As for Woot Happens I think that I might make it into some sort of site that you can submit your Woot moments and link it to Wootflakes. We’ll see. ^_^

I think that’s it for now. Nighty Night everyone! Unpleasant dreams…. or whatever that Elvira lady used to say.

Okay. I am not going to apologize again. I haven’t been posting. It’s been hectic. I’m trying to get back into everything. To add insult to injury I didn’t even post the last two weeks of webcomics. I will be getting that done soon.

SO! LET ME GIVE YOU A FEW UPDATES!

LAST NIGHT! I was in a fashion show as the queen of spades. Are you ready to see me all scary and stuff? READY! REALLY! ARE YOU READY! *is a little hyper*
http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y290/cese/Red%20Queen/
BE AFRAID! In some of those photos I think I look a bit like Hatchet Face from Cry Baby. Other then that I think I looked awesome.

The Fashion show was fun. I mentioned the fact that I was 25 and I was told AGAIN that I didn’t look 25. Confused and not sure what to think, as this was about the 5th time I’ve heard it in the past 2 weeks, I mentioned the fact that I wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing. I was told I looked 18 or 19. I felt pretty good. That’s 7 years shaved off of my age so I am feeling pretty nifty at the moment.

My daughter and son walked the runway as well. Troy walked with me and he did really good and my daughter walked with her best friend Avery and they got a adorable laugh and they enjoyed every second of the not waiting portions of the night. They absolutely loved the dresses my mum made, I loved the dresses my mum made and I WILL be getting more pictures soon. The ones I posted above are from after the show that I took when I got home, unfortunately everyone else got undressed pretty quickly.

After the show I came home, tweeted like a mad woman and passed out!

During the show some guys thought I looked awesome in my costume! My mum did a great job! Also a few looked like Glambert (aka Adam Lambert) Sadly I had more glitter in my hair then they had on them which made me a little more Glambert then them but they were still good looking. One of them looked like the actor that played John Connor in the original T2 movie. Older of course, like he had grown up, but he was really hot. Guyliner FTW!

I’m moving soon. It wasn’t planned but it is necessary so things are still stressful here. No promises on constant updates but I will be updating when I can. I will especially update when I’m less stressed because I enjoy giving everyone a play by play on my day. It keeps my brain a little more lucid which is good for an addled brain like mine.

I’m back to RPing. I’m on two sites, one of which I own and operate. I am enjoying it but I am going to try and continue to write outside of RP but again, that whole stress deal. I’ve been more stressed then normal because I contracted myself to do some work and I felt a little more pressured then I would have liked. It made my brain shut down from IPB coding. I know I’m not willing to sacrifice my mind for something that will hurt me and my kids in the long run and so I’m done with that. I might still do freelance but it will have to be on my own terms. No more coding on someone else’s terms or time. It is my time and my brain, people will have to live with it that way.

I think that is it for now. I will post more hopefully tomorrow! Goodnight everyone!

Just wanted to let you all know… it is official! I am divorced. It was about an hour of deliberation in ERC (Early Resolution Council I think) and my ex is insane and obviously doesn’t know how much it costs to take care of two kids. Like seriously….. whatever though… Totally over it. He thinks he’s poor and picked on. I’m taking care of two kids, living at home without a job…. still…. after a year of freakin’ looking I still don’t have a job. I hate the job market. T_T It really sucks being out of the job industry for almost 4 years now, especially when my major was in a computer industry. 4 years lost in Computers is like 20 years lost in work… it seems impossible to catch up sometimes.

Well….. yay being divorced and now onto bigger and better things.

I’m considering writing a web comic. Maybe. I’m not too funny so it would be interesting…. That being said… I’m also not a very good artist so it would be interesting. ALTHOUGH! I did put the spork for Wootflakes onto the computer after my brother sort of designed him with my inspiration…. He’s not all that great though. It’s an idea though.

Have a good day everyone. ^_^

So I went to war (as you probably could have seen from my twitter pictures) and have returned. Unfortunately since I’ve returned I’ve mostly stared at my websites like I didn’t know what they were or where they came from. Perhaps an after affect of pretending like the world hasn’t progressed in a few centuries as of a few centuries ago. It could be the reason why I had to come back from war early.

So… there I was! I was waking up on another frosty morning from war. My kids were making me laugh and I was enjoying there warm and fuzzy company when I find out that my mum had left the previous night. Confused and hungry my kids and I got up to get food.
After we scavenged for something to eat forever (about 5 minutes of looking in totes) we were told to call mom…..
Even more confused I pick up my faerie box, also known as a cell phone, and dial my mother…. it rang…. it rang again…. then she didn’t answer.
So! I left her a voicemail.
A few minutes later my faerie box (cell phone) began to sing the sweet tune of the Mario Brothers melody telling me that someone wished to speak to me from an unearthly realm so I pressed the green button to hear the melodic, depressed voice of my mother. I asked her what she needed me to call her about to find that my stepdad had moved out, taking everything of expensive value (the HD, plasma TV and all of the bedroom furniture) out of the house and spliting.
This was bad… particularly bad since we were at War and the only way we got there was with his truck and a trailer that he used to move the stuff out with.

After all of that amazing stuff we packed up camp and came home.

None of us kids want my stepdad back in the house but mum does so we’re waiting to see. We aren’t going to help much because we think that my stepdad’s douchebaggery crossed the line finally so yeah….. I had a not so good week but its gotten better since I have gotten home and talked to all of my buddies, Neph and Savvy and Sparky and people.

On another note!

I decided to go back looking for a way to earn a decent income online. I truly don’t think it’s possible but I still try while I still look for a job. really what I need to find is an awesome company that needs Internet tech support that can do their work from whereever as long as they have Internet connections, and do that. It would be fabulous. Unfortunately I don’t know if they do that. /sigh Well other ventures will be looked into.

I guess in a sense I have a question for you all…. what would you think about me starting a general tech support service. A small like, 5 dollar fee for me to help tech troubleshoot things for like half an hour. I mean it’s not much but I’m pretty good at what I do so I mean it might be worth it. I’m thinking about looking into it. That or a low cost web design thing. I’m not a phenomenal web designer but I think I do an alright job. I’m going to post a poll and see what you all think…. if anyone actually reads my blog… and I hope you guys give me some good stuff. Thanks in advance.