Some days I wish there were more hours in the day. If there were more hours in the day I could get more time to do things, spend more time with my kids and sleep more. All the things I feel I need but never feel I have time to do. I mean I have plenty of time with my kids (because I guess having a want for more time with my kids makes me a terrible mother or something like that) but more time would always be nice. I mean who wouldn’t want to hear more stories from your kids or help them more on their counting or the letter B that they can never seem to remember?
I don’t know. I am taking five minutes of my time to type this up because I with I had more time to do this and work on other projects but I have to sacrifice each of them for something else that I need to do or someone else I need to see. I swear, if I can suggest something, never become an adult. being an adult sucks.
So I love my kids and because I love my kids I work. While this is good it makes me feel slightly bad because the things that they are not succeeding in makes me feel like I’m failing. Like my daughter. I know she can read, I have watched her do it, but because I’m not there a lot of the time I feel like I’m not succeeding in helping her further her skills. I feel that my lack of reading to her while she was younger has stunted her ability to read.
I feel like an all around bad mother.
I know I’m not, don’t get me wrong. I’m there for my kids when they need me. I’m the fluffy stern woman that keeps them safe from monsters and darkness. It doesn’t make it hurt less that my daughter is struggling to read.
Now with that said she’s going to summer school…. Yes a kindergartener in Summer School but I’m doing this to keep her from being a 7 year old Kindergartener. It’s scary to think that she’s not in second grade already but I have to stay strong for that.
Adding to that I miss being at home with my kids. I remember when I was able to be home all the time and it hurts not to have that connection with them anymore. 🙁 I live with it though, not happily.
On the brighter side to that my boyfriend, affectionately called Cricket, has been an extreme help and rock for me and my wishy washy-ness. He helps with keeping me on the line of being stern but leaving me to my fluff. I definitely need him and love him to death. He keeps me grounded and sane. It’s very nice having someone like him in my life. He also watches my kids for me when he can while I’m at work. This by itself helps me because it means I see my kids more. It’s wonderful.
I guess there is more but I’ve lost my train of thought. Hopefully I’ll get to update this more soon.
So this isn’t a new revelation to me. It was developed in lower school grades and as I got older it didn’t go away. It’s still a major issue for me to know that I’m doing good or looking good or whatever rendition thereof that I need to make sure that I’m living up to or better then people’s expectations of me. I know, particularly shallow of me, but it’s majorly where my shiny attitude comes from. Shine on me or be shiny around me and I’m a shiny person if I don’t get shined on then I’m normally gloomy. It makes sense if you think about the sun and clouds. <_<
So I have my boy and I love his cute little face to death but when I start to get a little down the small amount of affection, that was getting me down in the first place most likely, drops off the face of the earth which just plummets me into a very sad and serious panda. Last night I had a breakdown. He was on the game again and I was missing my kids and my affection from any facet. I was not feeling so shiny and it’s hard for me to relay these things most of the time verbally (normally I just beg for attention in other ways, shaking my bum or getting in your face or try to get touchy feely or my worst case scenario is sighy and quiet). I feel like everything I say is clouded to him because I back it up with emotions no matter what it is. He thinks it’s a device or something and I just try to hide it now but that just makes me all the more frustrated. I’ve considered ways to approach him about it but I can’t find one giving up instead and I’m afraid that if I don’t find this way and keep conceding defeat then I’m going to explode (as I normally do with these things) and then all hell will break loose (as they normally do) and I don’t want it to happen that way I want it to work out but I don’t have a good way to say, “just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean you should drop affection.” it’s frustrating me. I’m confused. I’m hurt all over.
I know part of this is my normal lack of children interaction during the days at work. I get default affection from them, even if it’s simply “MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM” or screaming and crying. I still get it and I know I’m needed and wanted. My things are always there for me and I love them all the more for that but I want the boy to be there for me to. I wish there was a “How to read signals” or “How to read minds” book that I can read and introduce to my boyfriend because I think this would fix most of my problem here.
I do appreciate you guys listening to me rant. I feel a little less upset and angry about it now because I sound a little silly I know. I also know that I do need to find a positive way to negotiate an understanding of how to make me feel better when I don’t feel great. Normally even forcing me to stop and just giving me a hug and a passionate kiss would help. I just like to feel wanted no matter what is gong on. The world could be crumbling around and life still wouldn’t be that bad.
I want this to work but I can’t keep trumping what I need because he gets mad at me.
Well I’ve not been updating this properly so I’m going to try and get back into this.
Firstly, I have turned off the Twitter feed into my blog. I thought it was alright to start off with but really it’s more or less just blog spam and I think it keeps me from posting properly in my blog so I apologize for that. I am trying to get back into a scheduled routine, Yoga, writing, baths, bed. Going to bed late is bad for me. T_T
Secondly, NaNo starts next month so get excited for more updates about my writing. I’m actually hoping to take this opportunity and write a full story and see if I can get it published. With how things are going in my life it actually seems like the best course of action and I’ve been world building an RPG that I will be using as the primary setting.
Thirdly I wanted to show everyone my awesome video! I am NO singer but I had fun and that’s all that counts so I will warn you now that any comments on how bad of a singer I am I will delete it immediately. It was done to have some fun. It is a Spoof of Amanda Palmer’s Leeds United song.
Lets see what else. My daughter is doing well in school although I’m having problems keeping my kids from fighting and keeping my sanity. I am easily frustrated and not having a significant other to share the responsibilities with makes my life really frustrating. I mean I have mum to help offset it (and she really does help and put up with my bratty kids) but it’s really hard all around. Ijust need to work on breathing and patience. Hopefully Yoga will help, I need something to help center me and I think that it will help me with my patience issues. I hate being impatient but I’m having a hard time not being impatient.
In the coding world I’ve been developing a Character mod for IPB3. It’s working very well so far I’m adding and fixing things as I go. My current project is custom fields but I haven’t started working on it yet but I think it will be relatively easy, especially to override the UserInfoPane info.
Today’s dilemma is something that I’m not sure should concern me. I’ve been wanting to create another character on my site which would make 10 (or 11 if you include DORIS) which would just solidify my role in having 10 out of the 20 characters on the site. Now while I don’t mind having a lot of characters (I’m active with each of them and none are in danger of anything) but I feel that it’s almost overkill to have so many characters. The problem is that I have so many ideas knocking around in my head and I want to play them out but I’m afraid that it would scare potential members that I am monopolizing the RP with my characters although it’s more because there are so few members that my characters aren’t offset by others’ characters. T_T It makes me feel bad because I have the most amount of characters but it also frustrates me because I want to make another character because I have a good idea and I think it should be my choice to make since it is my creative energy.
Now, I had decided last night to make the character and I’m back to being wishy washy on it. I think that it would be a great character to create but I think that I should hold off but that just artistically frustrates me and my muse. I think I will wait for a few more characters to show up before I make her and perhaps I will choose to write my NaNo story on the woman to put it out creatively.
Thanks for listening to my plight while I decided on this, although I still fight to not make the character I think that I will wait until the KoC story furthers and it has been around longer for her to step in or that we get 5-10 more characters on the site.
Now the last thing I think of is site changes. I am going to change my layout here on Morrigan’s Madness. The colors should stay relatively the same as they are two of my favorites, it’s that or pink. I also am going to create a Listing and maybe start up a fanlisting or two. I will most likely begin to get my site linked at other places so look forward to seeing a lot of changes here on MM but they may be slow, my first priorities is scheduling my life, KoC and RPers Anon. I think that you will all enjoy the changes as I will be adding Twitter stuff, Facebook Stuff and more. ^_^
So I’ve still been stressed. I think I find it hard to write about my life when I’m stressed. I think that stems from the fact that if I write about my stressful life, while I’m stressed about it, it just makes me MORE stressed. It’s just not very fun to say the least. So any of my loyal followers that like to read my random rants, I apologize. With the stupid stepdad stuff and then the move I’ve just not been all ranty and ravey. Well that’s not true, I HAVE been all ranty and ravey but I just haven’t been motivated to talk about it.
Tonight isn’t bad but I don’t really have much to rave about. That is unless you count my ankle!
So! I’ve been moving the past week and up and down stairs, lift, back pain, exhaustion right? Well this is awesome! I’m sitting here walking down the stairs with a big drawer from the armoire and I seemed to forget how the stairs worked, or the step vanished like in HP because I went from having 3 steps left until the landing to sitting on the landing floor with a hurting ankle and tears streaming down my face
THIS WAS THE SECOND FUCKING TIME THAT THIS HOUSE ATTACKED ME THIS WEEK!
The first time I was sitting down at the computer after a long days work, relaxing on the floor when BAM! the bed frame to my bed came crashing down on my head! (Awesome I just rhymed a little) It cut my head open and I was crying then too. I swear I haven’t cried that much since my husband told me that he wanted a divorce or the last time that I thought about my brother Davey. Sad days in the Morrigan house. Right now I’m hoping that my ankle will improve drastically by tomorrow. I really hate hobbling and I hate not being to help like I should. I’m a strong woman, or not a wimpy one, and so I should be lifting things not frowning and hobbling about when I can’t seem to get something or it hurts because I can’t walk right.
The kids like the new house though. Fae was given her own Harry Potter-esque room under the stairs. It was mostly because she was complaining about it and Grandma is awesome so she gave her, her own room. Grandma-win on this one. She went to bed down there tonight and we’ll see how it works out in the morning. Really I just need to get a job so I can get my own place but the economy in AZ SUCKS!!! Just thought I’d put that out there. Also, the neighbors here are very awesome! Great kid neighborhood and the parents seem very friendly. I didn’t even feel like an outsider, like my kids will be set apart, no, they seem to be fitting right in which is especially awesome.
So, on top of Madness fail I’m also wootfailing at my webcomic. I haven’t updated for a few weeks there either. about the same amount that I’ve been missing posting here. I will be changing that shortly though! I intend to be doing a week of webcomics starting Monday so that you all know that I’m not dead and that I love you for reading my bizarre stuff. I hope that will make up for the weeks miss and keep you reading for the weeks to come.
I’m a domain name addict. I just bought two new domains that will probably sit dormant until I figure out what to do with them. I got Woothappens.com and RPersanonymous.com. I know what I’m going to do with RPers Anonymous, it’s going to be an RP resource forum for both administrators and roleplayers. It will probably start off on something self-hosted but if it grows enough I think I will ask for donations to upgrade it to IPB. (IPB is by far the best forum software in the world) As for Woot Happens I think that I might make it into some sort of site that you can submit your Woot moments and link it to Wootflakes. We’ll see. ^_^
I think that’s it for now. Nighty Night everyone! Unpleasant dreams…. or whatever that Elvira lady used to say.
Okay. I am not going to apologize again. I haven’t been posting. It’s been hectic. I’m trying to get back into everything. To add insult to injury I didn’t even post the last two weeks of webcomics. I will be getting that done soon.
SO! LET ME GIVE YOU A FEW UPDATES!
LAST NIGHT! I was in a fashion show as the queen of spades. Are you ready to see me all scary and stuff? READY! REALLY! ARE YOU READY! *is a little hyper* http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y290/cese/Red%20Queen/
BE AFRAID! In some of those photos I think I look a bit like Hatchet Face from Cry Baby. Other then that I think I looked awesome.
The Fashion show was fun. I mentioned the fact that I was 25 and I was told AGAIN that I didn’t look 25. Confused and not sure what to think, as this was about the 5th time I’ve heard it in the past 2 weeks, I mentioned the fact that I wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing. I was told I looked 18 or 19. I felt pretty good. That’s 7 years shaved off of my age so I am feeling pretty nifty at the moment.
My daughter and son walked the runway as well. Troy walked with me and he did really good and my daughter walked with her best friend Avery and they got a adorable laugh and they enjoyed every second of the not waiting portions of the night. They absolutely loved the dresses my mum made, I loved the dresses my mum made and I WILL be getting more pictures soon. The ones I posted above are from after the show that I took when I got home, unfortunately everyone else got undressed pretty quickly.
After the show I came home, tweeted like a mad woman and passed out!
During the show some guys thought I looked awesome in my costume! My mum did a great job! Also a few looked like Glambert (aka Adam Lambert) Sadly I had more glitter in my hair then they had on them which made me a little more Glambert then them but they were still good looking. One of them looked like the actor that played John Connor in the original T2 movie. Older of course, like he had grown up, but he was really hot. Guyliner FTW!
I’m moving soon. It wasn’t planned but it is necessary so things are still stressful here. No promises on constant updates but I will be updating when I can. I will especially update when I’m less stressed because I enjoy giving everyone a play by play on my day. It keeps my brain a little more lucid which is good for an addled brain like mine.
I’m back to RPing. I’m on two sites, one of which I own and operate. I am enjoying it but I am going to try and continue to write outside of RP but again, that whole stress deal. I’ve been more stressed then normal because I contracted myself to do some work and I felt a little more pressured then I would have liked. It made my brain shut down from IPB coding. I know I’m not willing to sacrifice my mind for something that will hurt me and my kids in the long run and so I’m done with that. I might still do freelance but it will have to be on my own terms. No more coding on someone else’s terms or time. It is my time and my brain, people will have to live with it that way.
I think that is it for now. I will post more hopefully tomorrow! Goodnight everyone!