Nervous Breakdown

Alright, so I think I took on too much and I’m starting to feel the effects of it. I’m unfocused, I have a constant ringing headache. I want to finish things but when I start looking at it I start to feel a little panicky, which honestly, isn’t anything like me.

I have a few projects that have deadlines and this normally doesn’t bother me but I’ve just been having such a hard time concentrating on it. I feel terrible, I know I’m letting people down, which just adds to my stress. I CAN DO IT. I know I can it’s just the lack of focus just makes doing anything really difficult.

What doesn’t help? The fact that I keep having things add to the stress, like I got rear ended last week, I scraped my leg at the pool I mean it feels like a never ending pile that I can never get out from under.

I have a day job, I have this other job I just don’t know if I can do it without really going for it and not having the standard day job. The stress of having both, I think is the root of my issues with doing this. I want to focus but after a long day/week at work I don’t feel up to working more. It’s not that I want to disappoint anyone I just really really want to unwind and I feel that I’m just constantly letting everyone I know down in this situation. I am going to finish the current projects that I have and then take some time away from it for a bit and just see what I can do for priorities on this. I need to have me time and time for this so I think what really needs to happen is that I set hours for this other job. Whether it’s Tues-Thursday from 5PM-9PM I think it’s a boundary I need to set for myself.

Help? Comments? Support? I feel like I’m drowning even though I’m not.

New Theme

Well I’m trying to get myself settled into new things, including a new theme for the site. I’m going to try and post more regularly again. I’m not sure I’ll do daily posts like I tried to do before but I may try to do a post every three days.

Other projects I’m working on right now are 3 story blogs. One is Knights of Cydonia One is Card Rebellion and the last is I <3 Fangs. The last one is a collaborative one with Ghost but the rest are just for me. I’m thinking I may start pouring my RP energy into these instead.

I’ve been feeling the lack lusterness of just everything. It’s likely the time of the year and all that jazz but things will hopefully go better.

Move goals:
Start Yoga again
Write a post a day for one of my 5 blogs (Morrgasm, Morrigan’s Madness, KoC, CR or I <3 Fangs).
Try new dinner or dessert (or both) dish once a week.
Post an image a day to Instagram.

I hope you enjoy the new theme. I’ll start displaying more of my space work as I go.

Edit: Added instagram thing onto the list.

Passive Aggressive Manipulation, Sad to lose a friend

So I recently had a falling out with one of my oldest RP friends. I’m very tore up about it, it makes me very sad that this has happened as it was all around a bad situation.

It was a lot of shit that piled up to a large culmination of me putting my foot down.

Now let me explain, the aggression wasn’t outrightly directed about me but that doesn’t mean that it would not in some way affect me. It’s naive to think that something that is aimed at other people in my life won’t somehow affect how I feel or the things that go on and the way that those people feel. I’m a very empathetic person, I tend to be angry when people are angry and I’m sad when their sad. This doesn’t mean I’m being manipulated, in fact, quite the contrary. It means that I’m being informed instead of ignorant.

The way people treat other people is a very important aspect of knowing and caring for someone else and seeing the way that this person attacked people that I knew really harmed me, harmed my feelings to know that I am friends with such a vindictive person. Now please don’t mistake, I am human, I am vindictive and I lash out when hurt but I feel that they were starting to push the limits too far and push the aggression past an appropriate level.

I watched it happen.
I tried to cull it in in a positive manner.
My positivity did not diminish their negativity.

After a tireless effort to try and stem the behavior with subtle hints that they were being such I finally had to put my foot down and tell them that their words and actions were hurting me and I asked them to make a choice between my friendship and this vindictive grudge that they were on a crusade to express to harm people around me.

Unfortunately they chose the grudge

I think overall, what hurts me the most is that the person couldn’t see past the blind rage of hurt to the fact that instead of mending a wound they were making more. They blame me for being manipulated when I made every decision and every approach myself without consult to anyone else from start to finish as well as I was the one that identified anything I brought to them as it was not harmful to the other people (it was but that was not why I brought it to them) but because it was indirectly harmful to me.

I know some things hurt but that’s no reason to hurt other people. I hope that everything gets better for anyone hurting right now and I certainly hope that when you are hurt that you can see past that and try not to hurt other people and if you do at least recognize it eventually and apologize. If you don’t, then I’m sorry.

Word counts and why they don’t count

Okay, so I administrate over at Distant Fantasies and as such, on a regular basis get to see new sites or existing sites as I just browse the DF Directory. As such I find sites that strike my fancy and while I am not a chronic site joiner I love to be able to suggest sites to my friends and I’ve noticed this blaring trend of waffling.

Now I say that and your first instinct is ‘wtf is waffling’ but waffling is a failure for one to make up their mind. Mind you, I’m a queen waffler IRL.

Next question you ask is ‘wtf are they waffling about’? Well that’s where it gets interesting. It’s their word count. Now mind you, I’m an avid anti-word count advocate. I find that I have as much potency in a one line post as some people feel that you only get from hundreds, if not thousands, of words. That notwithstanding though, I don’t like reading things like:

We’re a no word count site but……

But what? Are you a no word count site or aren’t you? There is no buts in such a statement unless you’re not, in fact, a no word count site. If you add in a “but we like to see at least three paragraphs” or “we prefer that you have at least 200 words” then why don’t you make that you’re minimum? A “no word count” site means that I can post one word or I can post ten thousand but there is absolutely no restriction on how many I am required to put into that post box.

After I read this and it infuriated me, I talked to my boyfriend Cricket about this. Mind you, my boyfriend is a DnD based roleplayer, he uses his dice to determine things while I use communication with my partner. I asked him if he had this type of thing in his campaign, these types of players and he said that he did except his players are overly wordy for the sake of trying to cover all of there basis so they don’t get killed. “I turned the knob to the left really slowly before pushing the door open, just as slowly as to not make a sound” and we both didn’t know of a single person that was legitimately that careful, especially when you consider the setting. I explained to him that for my format that people felt themselves on a higher rank than you due to the amount of words that they post, no matter how relevant or important those words were to be able to progress the story line.

The conversation continued and he asked about how relevant the post content was and I advised him 70-90 percent of it is fluff to fill the word count or time travel posting (time travel posting is responding to parts of the previous post because the previous roleplayer continued past that point and didn’t giv eyou ample opportunity to respond even though your character, would in fact, respond). Time travel posting incites more time travel posting which incites more fluff to fill an arbitrary number for a ranking system that only exists in the minds of the players themselves.

I’m a 17 year play by post roleplayer. I have been through the advanced years when 1200 words were the minimum to be considered a part of the roleplay elite of “Advanced” and I’ve been through the years that 600 words was that and now the new trend is “no word count but”. I’m an advanced roleplayer and after all this time I’ve come to finally a zen point in my roleplaying time to have finally figured out that:

  • This is just a game. I shouldn’t feel like getting onto my roleplay sites is a job. There is no reason for this and I should feel like my relaxation hobby is a chore. Word counts make it a chore.
  • A word count is an arbitrary number to keep up a fascist belief that more is better. I’m going to fill you in, that if it doesn’t contribute to the plot then it’s likely not worth your time to type it out. How many books have you read that a character inner monologues for pages, upon pages, upon pages, that actually keep your interest and doesn’t progress the plot. Sure you can talk about your childhood tragedy for 400 words but how does that help your character now, or the plot that you are trying to progress but posting about how your character shifts uncomfortably and gets a look in their eye that someone might be able to see, that’s proper writing. Yes, I reduced 400 words into a single sentence but the single sentence is far more potent.
  • Word counts kill the muse. I’ve read posts that are amazingly long that give me absolutely nothing to reply to and one liners that speak volumes in themselves that inspire me to write a thousand words. If the situation calls for the post then post it but don’t strangle me with your words because you are obligated or you feel a better sense of self by posting a longer post. It perpetuates a lie that your quality cannot be seen by posting something less then some arbitrary number.
  • Confucius say: “Do not use a cannon to kill a mosquito.” I can’t say how appropriate this is. Your concise words should speak the volumes in your character actions.

 

Really in the end you will play the site you’re comfortable with and if that’s the site that requires 3 paragraphs or nine million words per post, then so be it. I just request that you stop your waffling and either say your no word count because you are or say your a word/paragraph count site because that’s what you are. There is no reason to have a but in your rule about count minimums if you have one set in your mind.

Make up your fucking mind.

Halloween costumes

So it shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone that I’m a big fan of Halloween. This year is no different. All out crazy and I’m designing for comiccon too. I am sad that my daughter changed her mind last minute to Abbey Bomindable from Monster High but that is her choice. I was just hoping to go as a DC family this year. Maybe for Comiccon next year?

So costumes:
Troy is going to be Batman.
Fae is Abbey Bomindable.
Cricket is The Doctor.
I will be Harley Quinn, the Arkham City version.

I have had to custom make my custom to be up to my standards so I will likely take some pics so you can see my progress. I haven’t quite finished but I have most everything figured out or partially made. I know I need to light a fire. I don’t have boots yet but I am going to postpone that for now and just go with my black pair of boots. That and her under bust corset will be put off until comiccon.

I will post pics later.
Super excited.

Long time no blog

So I promised myself that I would continuously update my blog but it’s apparent that I didn’t do that. I mean my last post was months ago and it was forever before that too.

To be completely honest it’s been a lack of motivation. I have been busy at work and I come home and all I want to do is RP and watch TV.

The sad part is that I haven’t been getting a lot of RP done. I mean I post faster then most of my RP partners and it’s a little exhausting because my muse ends up on overdrive and I have to come to a full stop. I’ve considered writing alone again but I find it boring compared to writing with others.  Then there were considerations of a web comic again but I’m just not that good of an artist but I have a ton of ideas for it. I’m still working on it though I really feel that I need to create a buffer which is the hardest part.

Sadly? What I think I need is to turn off the Internet for a few days and send my BF away so that he can play with friends. Get my kids over to their grandmas house and then just draw for a weekend. If anyone has any good advice on how to stay focused I’d love some. I’m having such issues with getting focused lately. I mean I haven’t even been able to sit down and code for… fuck for a year? More? I just can’t seem to do it. I can concentrate for small spats but I feel like I’m constantly interrupted and I can’t sit still.

On a lighter note? My son is doing pretty well in Kindergarten so far! I’m looking forward to my kids’ school pictures this year! They were both super cute when they left the house. My daughter is becoming a great reader. I’m hoping she’ll be way better then me because I’m terrible. My son can count to 40 so far. It was a hard road to forty but it’s coming around.

Otherwise there isn’t really anything.

Site updates:
New site: Trek Into the Darkness
New site: Star Trek RPG
Joined site: Prey
Staffing at: Distant Fantasies
Attempting to work on the Character Mod and get it properly functioning on install.
Working on Morrgasm.

Halloween costumes:
Fae wants to be Catwoman.
Troy wants to be Batman.
I feel that I should go with this theme and make a Harley Quinn outfit.