Morrgroove Gone

So I feel that my Morrgroove or Morrmojo or Mojo-Jojo is gone and never coming back. I feel uninspired dull and downright blechy most days. I’ll sit at my computer and things that make me inspired and happy to do online feel like chores. It’s not supposed to be this way. My hobbies should feel fun and exciting to come home to. I should want to get all of my other stuff out of the way so I can sit down and enjoy the happy things and life. But I don’t and it depresses me.

So the normal responses that I’m sure I’ll here is “Get a new hobby” or “If it depresses you then find out why” well I don’t know why. I love being at my computer. I love writing. I love coding websites. I love making images. I LOVE Rping and yet all of these things don’t inspire me at all.  This could be the 12 hour days at work but really if that’s what is killing it for me then why did I enjoy them in the first place? Because it killed time? I used to itch to get home and turn on my laptop and see all the amazing things I missed that day and regret missing it. Now it’s just one more thing I need to do.

I need my Morrmuse back. It’s gone and I can’t find it. If you see her please send her straight back with my brain. It would be muchly appreciated.

Oversensitive… and not in the sexual way

So as always I Morr fuck things up. I swear I have a natural aversion to goods things in my life. It’s like when good things come my way I avoid them like the plague but when bad things come I’m attracted to it like a magnet.

The newest Morrfuckup is that I met this guy (and don’t groan and be like oh one of those stories. STFU and listen) and it turns out that we have a lot in common. Mind you I’ve recently discovered that since I like a lot of things that I have a lot in common with a lot of guys. It’s really easy to find things that you have in common if you have a lot to be in common about, but it’s oddly different. I’m talking right down to the enjoying Hentai and porn here people. But anyways, I digress. So I fucked things up last night and really it is my fault and I know it is. I get overly sensitive especially when I don’t fully understand the gravity of what I’m not supposed to be let in on and it hurts, I’ll add a needless to say that I wasn’t in the best of moods because it was in fact the Anniversary of my brother David’s Death and it always hits me like a ton of bricks when I’m thinking it isn’t coming for me.

ANYWAYS! I got upset for no reason but it was a reason because I didn’t understand and I know that’s part of me but then when I tried to cheer him up he snapped at me and that just hurt my feelings and I’ve been hurt ever since.

Now afterward, this is one thing that we work on different wavelengths on and it’s difficult for me because part of it goes over my head and the other part of it just hits a brick wall and it totally throws me for a loop but he has no mannerisms. Or let me correct and say he has few mannerisms and it makes it hard to read. Now he tells me to just ask but I don’t like to ask. I feel pesteringy when I ask because I feel like that’s all I’m doing but he tells me to do it anyways and the other thing is that I have never been able to take things at face value. Ever. People don’t talk like that. There is always underlying innuendo or something that I’m missing and even with what happened there was because I just didn’t know the difference between upset and freaking out. It’s a big difference and it makes it difficult to know what to do if I don’t know what that difference is. Another difference is when I’m upset, no matter how I’m upset (sometimes even when I tell you to get the fuck away) I want to be cheered up or pushed back on. I like to know I’m wanted and I know he wants me but instead of getting push back I pretty much just fell over.

Zayzie did cheer me up a bit but then I fell right back down the pit when I talked to him today.

So I said mean things that I did and didn’t mean. At least I think so. I’ve been hurt and I’m sad and all cry-ey which is really odd. I only say that because of all of the boys I’ve been with I didn’t cry for too long afterwards or regret it really either. I mean I sometimes wish there were ways to fix it but looking back I’m better off without and I really regret the things I said.

He’s mad at me and I understand. I broke up with him because I was upset.

I’m a Morron.

I feel bad and I love him but I don’t know if it’s fixable. I hate when I can’t fix it.

Another thing is he doesn’t like when I apologize but I apologize a lot. It’s just something I do. Whether it’s because I’m a submissive or I’m genuine or I feel that it’s the way to get everyone happy again. I like when people are happy. I like to be happy so I apologize and he hates it and he snaps at me about that too. I don’t know what to do to fix it as I can’t wipe it away but C’est La Vie.

As always. I fuck everything up.

I am a horrible person. And we weren’t even testing for that.

#Morrfail

NaNo Begins

So the month of NaNoWriMo begins and I am ill prepared and barely aware. >_< I have been sitting, considering what I would write about for three weeks, never making solid plans and now it’s here and I have little to no idea what I will be writing about during the tumultuous time of NaNo. I have nothing more then a basic world idea and the fact that I want to write about it.

Morrfail!

So what does this mean? I need to go crazy about thinking at work on my breaks and my time off of the phones to figure out what direction I will go after work and really hammer some stuff out. On average I will have 2 hours a day to actually get any writing done. I don’t think that I’ve ever powered out 1600 words of writing per day in 2 hours but I’m certainly going to try.

At the moment my ideas are to either continue Supermassive (the novel I started last year) or start one of two ideas. One is a Girls Run the world novel about how their is an STD that kills women or one about how an innocent company creates an overbearing Social media platform that creates a dystopia. I think the former is the one I’ve decided on I just don’t know the perspective I was writing from. I was pretty sure I was going to do it post war but maybe I’ll do it pre-war but at the same time I have to figure out who is writing the story and why. Work will have it in for me. I better start the headache meds now.

Well to the work chopping block and headache and to the NaNo not prepared grind! I can do this!

Distant fantasies Contest – Support Morr Please!

So there is a contest going on at Distant Fantasies to help get the word out about the new Tweet Feature from their site to promote your site on Twitter! Yay them! Fun for RPs to get the word out their further! So I figured I’d let you all know about it:
https://twitter.com/#!/DistantFantasy

That’s where it is. I’ve already followed it and tweeted the word. If you tweet the word feel free to post on the “Boards2go”
http://boards2go.com/boards/board.cgi?user=distantfantasies
Of course you can help Knights of Cydonia or any site that you’d prefer to be featured there and the ways are here:
http://distant-fantasies.net/featured.php

Have fun and thanks for supporting your local neighborhood Morrigan

I’m not really blonde… honest

So I’m sitting here, staring at my computer screen, flirting with a guy via text and not able to really concentrate. Now, at first you’d think that I am not able to concentrate because of the flirting but texting is s sort of basic function in today’s society, I can do it with my eyes closed almost so it’s highly doubtful that it’s the source of my distraction.So I continue to try to figure it out why I’m so scatter brained when I’m trying to write.

Well I discovered my problem… the Internet. I started reading the most recent chapter of my Dexter fanfiction and I got a few paragraphs into it before I clicked onto Google+, then onto Knights of Cydonia (My RP) then onto Morr Dystopia (My Dystopia site). Afterward I did a few mundane things and then returned, forgetting of my prior plan to write.

Now, I’m back to remembering but I’m tired which does not make a good brain for writing but the need/want to write. So now I will have to wait until tomorrow to write my next Dexter chapter.

I think I will blame the temporary blonde hair for the ditzy behavior (although it’s not uncommon)

Editing

Oh the pain and pleasure of editing!

Pretty much I have gotten stuck somewhere around chapter 7 which is 50 pages into the story. Now I know why I’m stuck, I have neglected important information that one of the characters needs in order to continue on. Well that is never a good thing and often time gets to what I’m stuck in… writer’s block. I’m not fully blocked I’m just having a hard time continuing with the story since the character that needs the information doesn’t have it. So what should I do?

Well if you are like half of the other writers that I know that say “just keep writing” then leave me be. You obviously have no idea, not only how, but why my brain works the way it does. If you are a psychologist perhaps you could tell me. Pretty much, since the story doesn’t have the information my muse/character/person that I’m writing for refuses to continue to write as if they have the information. since they refuse to write I have to go back and fix it. Why not power through it like half of the other writers in the world seem to think I should? Because it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t work to just keep going. If the character needs the information just powering through it may leave that information out, even in edits. So my brain shuts down until I fix it.

So that being said I have been working on re-reading the previous parts of my story and editing as I go to find the best place to interject the information that I need, to add it so that the character has it. now re-reading some of my chapters I see some of the more major flaws that I had in them. They are even a little stale or lacking in detail which makes me glad for this initial re-write. It makes me happy that I can question my motivation and how I’m portraying the information to the reader. I now know that I need to put forth more detail in my work.

More mannerisms, more information. I realize that I show absolutely no motivation or information for why Fillip or Violet are the way they are or even what happened to Violet and Kane. After this realization I also realized that I never intended to elaborate so you would just have to deal with half the information that you would need to properly understand the character dynamics between them so I need to add that information in somewhere as well. Like how long have Violet, Fillip and Kane known each other? Are they friends? Lovers? Have they ever been? Will they ever be again? What is their relation to one another in the story? While I know that information, I realize that I’m not providing that information to the reader. So in essence a pre-edit edit to fix my writers block is proving to be a good thing.

 

In other news I am thinking about finishing Card Rebellion, the Alice in Wonderland RP I was wanting to work on. I have it half done. I need to finish the detail information and the premade list and once I’ve done that then I think it would be ready. I think I would definitely need a reliable co-admin, someone that could be there when I’m not. Unfortunately I can never seem to find one of those.

Madness news we have a Facebook Connect app so if you like my facebook page you will get Madness updates every time I post. So please do so and you will get e-cookies. I may also be adding a Facebook widget to the sidebar so I can see who loves me most. <333 😉

I have also joined a few Sites, if you want to friend or add me on them just send me a message in any fashion you know how to get a hold of me (which normally is a lot of ways) or PM me on the site directly. The sites I’ve joined are as follows:
RedRoom
Authonomy
GoodReads

Add me, follow me, whatever. I <33 you if you want to chat. Definitely have no problem doing it while I’m online.

Lastly, I think, Knights of Cydonia is doing very well. The activity picked up last week so if you want to be a part of my story book world before it even reaches print (it’s sort of a laxer AU version but it works) then come check us out and join Knights of Cydonia!