Boyfriends

You know your boyfriend is perfect for you when they understand the priorities in your life. Not only does he understand but he goes out of his way to fix those things for or with you no matter how frustrating or annoying you can be. He snuggles you even though you are a giant and it’s difficult. He will get you anything despite how sure you are that you can get it yourself.

Today was one of those days. Something I enjoy and take pride in are my websites and when my sites are broken I get stressed, it’s worse when I have no way to fix them in a timely manner. (Like right now since I’m at work). I spazz and the boyfriend comes to the rescue by helping me. Talk about remote tech supporting.

Fabulous person that knows how much work I put into everything. H one of the few people that puts up with my nuances and my small annoying things. Not many people that you can find that appreciates you because of you predictability.

Not much originality

So my boyfriend today said I need to focus my site creating juices toward one site and get the traffic up enormously and then from there market and see what we can do about possibly revenuing it and making it to where I don’t have to have a conventional job anymore. Thinking about it, I agree but where to start? I don’t have enough motivation most of the time to keep to one project (my current ten projects proving such a thing) and figuring out a way to drive traffic to my site is elusive to me.

Of course I’m sure the first site that you think I should get going is probably Morrigan’s Madness and that seems almost a good idea. It’s the site I’ve had active and going for the longest and it’s also my blog but I don’t know of much that I could legitimately talk about that would drive more people to my site. I don’t have much originality to be honest. I talk about my strife in life and who wants to hear that? Not even I like to hear myself whine and yet I do it on here like I’m some entitled blogger or something. <_< Not really but you get what I mean.

Then there is my new site splash page Morrgasm which should be some sort of Morrigan content site with links to all of my projects, what I’m working on, what I’m doing. It’ll likely have a feed from here to keep the information flowing. It seems like a good idea but what would I publish to this site to make it worth visiting other then links to my other sites. Transferring content I don’t think is a good thing to focus on but I think that if I make it my MAIN site then it would be worth it. It would be like the ultimate splash page.

Next possibility is to really focus one of my two comic ideas. Those have the most monetary potential if you consider it. There is Morrapocalypse or Wootflakes.
Now Morrapocalypse is the Apocalyptic/Dystopic Comic that is there to both teach you something about surviving a dystopia and apocalypse as well as exposing some cliches. The skin is not done and I have no presence whatsoever but it does have a domain sister of Morrdystopia that has a forum on it.
Wootflakes on the other hand is a geeky little spork that has mostly nerd humor. The skin is done but needs to be re-created and I already have some basis done I would just need to focus on getting them up regularly and advertising it.

My other option is RPers Anonymous which is the site that I have the most focus on but the hardest time finding a software that is worth it and I can’t afford to straight upgrade my server to a VPS to get the software that mostly works and I certainly don’t have a few thousand to throw down to get it made and I’d have to go back to school to get the personal knowledge because all the crash courses that I’ve been through doesn’t really teach me proper security and security is important for what I’m looking for. So this idea is my primary one but I don’t have the money to throw at it.
I guess with this, if I wanted to upgrade, I could do hosting packages for RPers for small fees and it would include cPanel but I don’t know I guess it would depend I’d need enough interest in it to make up for the cost of the VPS. It’ would be something simple like maybe 3 bucks a month or 5 a month with Morr Support. I guess I should see how the free hosting goes first.

Last one is RP Status which is mostly supposed to be an addition to RPA so focusing on it would be silly other then posting to it updates. So it wouldn’t be worth it without it’s counterpart and see above for the problems with that.

I guess there is one other, Faerie Reverie which is supposed to be a site (whenever I finish it) about kids especially my kids even though they drive me crazy. It could be something of an ideas to play with your kids (as I normally don’t see pretty sites like it) but that would require me being a more involved parent and I don’t have time for it most of the time. I’d have to figure out ways to make things fun for my kids without spoiling them.

Another idea is to get Sex is Business off the ground which again would require a little money from me including getting my breasts done like I want to do and fixing my teeth. This one would be the site that I have photos of myself for sell in naughty ways. This is my preferred method but I don’t know how to market a site like this. It would definitely be a ton of fun starting out with certain photos and moving from there but again what to do.

My other domains like Knights of Cydonia, Card Rebellion, and Brain Damage are all RPGs so they aren’t something to make money off of as they are simply hobby. The others Woothappens and Lady Pirate are re-directors to other domains and I just have them for prettiness and show. So needless to say these aren’t options.

Now what do I want to get from my endeavors? Enough money to financially support my ability to stay at home and work on them. This is my end all goal. With that it would give me the ability to do my other desires including writing a book without the drain of muse. So needless to say I’m already blech about this all. I want so much more and I can’t attain it and I can’t make a decision on what to focus on.

I think my primary focus (until I decide) is to get Morrgasm up so I have my proper splash site and to-do list and determine my top priority. Feel free to post your opinion of this here as I’m always looking for feedback and suggestions. If you like an idea let me know and I’ll try and put more weight on that.

Frustrations of a Working Mother

So I love my kids and because I love my kids I work. While this is good it makes me feel slightly bad because the things that they are not succeeding in makes me feel like I’m failing. Like my daughter. I know she can read, I have watched her do it, but because I’m not there a lot of the time I feel like I’m not succeeding in helping her further her skills. I feel that my lack of reading to her while she was younger has stunted her ability to read.

I feel like an all around bad mother.

I know I’m not, don’t get me wrong. I’m there for my kids when they need me. I’m the fluffy stern woman that keeps them safe from monsters and darkness. It doesn’t make it hurt less that my daughter is struggling to read.

Now with that said she’s going to summer school…. Yes a kindergartener in Summer School but I’m doing this to keep her from being a 7 year old Kindergartener. It’s scary to think that she’s not in second grade already but I have to stay strong for that.

Adding to that I miss being at home with my kids. I remember when I was able to be home all the time and it hurts not to have that connection with them anymore. 🙁 I live with it though, not happily.

On the brighter side to that my boyfriend, affectionately called Cricket, has been an extreme help and rock for me and my wishy washy-ness. He helps with keeping me on the line of being stern but leaving me to my fluff. I definitely need him and love him to death. He keeps me grounded and sane. It’s very nice having someone like him in my life. He also watches my kids for me when he can while I’m at work. This by itself helps me because it means I see my kids more. It’s wonderful.

I guess there is more but I’ve lost my train of thought. Hopefully I’ll get to update this more soon.

Low Self Esteem

So this isn’t a new revelation to me. It was developed in lower school grades and as I got older it didn’t go away. It’s still a major issue for me to know that I’m doing good or looking good or whatever rendition thereof that I need to make sure that I’m living up to or better then people’s expectations of me. I know, particularly shallow of me, but it’s majorly where my shiny attitude comes from. Shine on me or be shiny around me and I’m a shiny person if I don’t get shined on then I’m normally gloomy. It makes sense if you think about the sun and clouds. <_<

So I have my boy and I love his cute little face to death but when I start to get a little down the small amount of affection, that was getting me down in the first place most likely, drops off the face of the earth which just plummets me into a very sad and serious panda. Last night I had a breakdown. He was on the game again and I was missing my kids and my affection from any facet. I was not feeling so shiny and it’s hard for me to relay these things most of the time verbally (normally I just beg for attention in other ways, shaking my bum or getting in your face or try to get touchy feely or my worst case scenario is sighy and quiet). I feel like everything I say is clouded to him because I back it up with emotions no matter what it is. He thinks it’s a device or something and I just try to hide it now but that just makes me all the more frustrated. I’ve considered ways to approach him about it but I can’t find one giving up instead and I’m afraid that if I don’t find this way and keep conceding defeat then I’m going to explode (as I normally do with these things) and then all hell will break loose (as they normally do) and I don’t want it to happen that way I want it to work out but I don’t have a good way to say, “just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean you should drop affection.” it’s frustrating me. I’m confused. I’m hurt all over.

I know part of this is my normal lack of children interaction during the days at work. I get default affection from them, even if it’s simply “MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM” or screaming and crying. I still get it and I know I’m needed and wanted. My things are always there for me and I love them all the more for that but I want the boy to be there for me to. I wish there was a “How to read signals” or “How to read minds” book that I can read and introduce to my boyfriend because I think this would fix most of my problem here.

I do appreciate you guys listening to me rant. I feel a little less upset and angry about it now because I sound a little silly I know. I also know that I do need to find a positive way to negotiate an understanding of how to make me feel better when I don’t feel great. Normally even forcing me to stop and just giving me a hug and a passionate kiss would help. I just like to feel wanted no matter what is gong on. The world could be crumbling around and life still wouldn’t be that bad.

I want this to work but I can’t keep trumping what I need because he gets mad at me.

Oversensitive… and not in the sexual way

So as always I Morr fuck things up. I swear I have a natural aversion to goods things in my life. It’s like when good things come my way I avoid them like the plague but when bad things come I’m attracted to it like a magnet.

The newest Morrfuckup is that I met this guy (and don’t groan and be like oh one of those stories. STFU and listen) and it turns out that we have a lot in common. Mind you I’ve recently discovered that since I like a lot of things that I have a lot in common with a lot of guys. It’s really easy to find things that you have in common if you have a lot to be in common about, but it’s oddly different. I’m talking right down to the enjoying Hentai and porn here people. But anyways, I digress. So I fucked things up last night and really it is my fault and I know it is. I get overly sensitive especially when I don’t fully understand the gravity of what I’m not supposed to be let in on and it hurts, I’ll add a needless to say that I wasn’t in the best of moods because it was in fact the Anniversary of my brother David’s Death and it always hits me like a ton of bricks when I’m thinking it isn’t coming for me.

ANYWAYS! I got upset for no reason but it was a reason because I didn’t understand and I know that’s part of me but then when I tried to cheer him up he snapped at me and that just hurt my feelings and I’ve been hurt ever since.

Now afterward, this is one thing that we work on different wavelengths on and it’s difficult for me because part of it goes over my head and the other part of it just hits a brick wall and it totally throws me for a loop but he has no mannerisms. Or let me correct and say he has few mannerisms and it makes it hard to read. Now he tells me to just ask but I don’t like to ask. I feel pesteringy when I ask because I feel like that’s all I’m doing but he tells me to do it anyways and the other thing is that I have never been able to take things at face value. Ever. People don’t talk like that. There is always underlying innuendo or something that I’m missing and even with what happened there was because I just didn’t know the difference between upset and freaking out. It’s a big difference and it makes it difficult to know what to do if I don’t know what that difference is. Another difference is when I’m upset, no matter how I’m upset (sometimes even when I tell you to get the fuck away) I want to be cheered up or pushed back on. I like to know I’m wanted and I know he wants me but instead of getting push back I pretty much just fell over.

Zayzie did cheer me up a bit but then I fell right back down the pit when I talked to him today.

So I said mean things that I did and didn’t mean. At least I think so. I’ve been hurt and I’m sad and all cry-ey which is really odd. I only say that because of all of the boys I’ve been with I didn’t cry for too long afterwards or regret it really either. I mean I sometimes wish there were ways to fix it but looking back I’m better off without and I really regret the things I said.

He’s mad at me and I understand. I broke up with him because I was upset.

I’m a Morron.

I feel bad and I love him but I don’t know if it’s fixable. I hate when I can’t fix it.

Another thing is he doesn’t like when I apologize but I apologize a lot. It’s just something I do. Whether it’s because I’m a submissive or I’m genuine or I feel that it’s the way to get everyone happy again. I like when people are happy. I like to be happy so I apologize and he hates it and he snaps at me about that too. I don’t know what to do to fix it as I can’t wipe it away but C’est La Vie.

As always. I fuck everything up.

I am a horrible person. And we weren’t even testing for that.

#Morrfail