So as always I Morr fuck things up. I swear I have a natural aversion to goods things in my life. It’s like when good things come my way I avoid them like the plague but when bad things come I’m attracted to it like a magnet.
The newest Morrfuckup is that I met this guy (and don’t groan and be like oh one of those stories. STFU and listen) and it turns out that we have a lot in common. Mind you I’ve recently discovered that since I like a lot of things that I have a lot in common with a lot of guys. It’s really easy to find things that you have in common if you have a lot to be in common about, but it’s oddly different. I’m talking right down to the enjoying Hentai and porn here people. But anyways, I digress. So I fucked things up last night and really it is my fault and I know it is. I get overly sensitive especially when I don’t fully understand the gravity of what I’m not supposed to be let in on and it hurts, I’ll add a needless to say that I wasn’t in the best of moods because it was in fact the Anniversary of my brother David’s Death and it always hits me like a ton of bricks when I’m thinking it isn’t coming for me.
ANYWAYS! I got upset for no reason but it was a reason because I didn’t understand and I know that’s part of me but then when I tried to cheer him up he snapped at me and that just hurt my feelings and I’ve been hurt ever since.
Now afterward, this is one thing that we work on different wavelengths on and it’s difficult for me because part of it goes over my head and the other part of it just hits a brick wall and it totally throws me for a loop but he has no mannerisms. Or let me correct and say he has few mannerisms and it makes it hard to read. Now he tells me to just ask but I don’t like to ask. I feel pesteringy when I ask because I feel like that’s all I’m doing but he tells me to do it anyways and the other thing is that I have never been able to take things at face value. Ever. People don’t talk like that. There is always underlying innuendo or something that I’m missing and even with what happened there was because I just didn’t know the difference between upset and freaking out. It’s a big difference and it makes it difficult to know what to do if I don’t know what that difference is. Another difference is when I’m upset, no matter how I’m upset (sometimes even when I tell you to get the fuck away) I want to be cheered up or pushed back on. I like to know I’m wanted and I know he wants me but instead of getting push back I pretty much just fell over.
Zayzie did cheer me up a bit but then I fell right back down the pit when I talked to him today.
So I said mean things that I did and didn’t mean. At least I think so. I’ve been hurt and I’m sad and all cry-ey which is really odd. I only say that because of all of the boys I’ve been with I didn’t cry for too long afterwards or regret it really either. I mean I sometimes wish there were ways to fix it but looking back I’m better off without and I really regret the things I said.
He’s mad at me and I understand. I broke up with him because I was upset.
I’m a Morron.
I feel bad and I love him but I don’t know if it’s fixable. I hate when I can’t fix it.
Another thing is he doesn’t like when I apologize but I apologize a lot. It’s just something I do. Whether it’s because I’m a submissive or I’m genuine or I feel that it’s the way to get everyone happy again. I like when people are happy. I like to be happy so I apologize and he hates it and he snaps at me about that too. I don’t know what to do to fix it as I can’t wipe it away but C’est La Vie.
As always. I fuck everything up.
I am a horrible person. And we weren’t even testing for that.
Yesterday must have been exhausting because I put my kids to bed at about 7 and I crashed and went to bed with them. Why was I tired? I have absolutely no idea but I apologize now for missing my post last night and will update you now on the fabulous day of yesterday.
Yesterday I wasted 3 more hours at church. The time wasn’t completely wasted as I took my komi-himo (Japanese braiding) with me and that helped a lot with the boredom. I go to please my mother. She needs me right now in this time, after my stepdad filed for divorce. Small things help her feel good, so I oblige with little groaning.
The day didn’t really develop from there. There wasn’t much to do. I know I need to do a little more cleaning about the house, hopefully that will get done today but I mildly doubt it because I really need to get motivated to do it. The laundry is almost done though. That’s always a good thing, especially since about 2/3rds of it was mine from storage. <_< Well C’est La Vie. It will be done soon enough, hopefully before my mum completely spazz’s out but probably won’t be.
Not much done today. I watched a lot of Dr Who. I cried to a lot of Dr Who. I didn’t realize that I hadn’t watched season for of Dr Who but I have now and cried another river and will probably cry more. I think Dr Who is one of the most depressing awesome Sci-Fi shows ever. None of it negates the depressing though. I sort of want to write a Dr Who Fanfic about my travelling with the Doctor. I want to be the Doctors love. I love him and he makes me so depressed but I love him anyways.
I’m watching the movie after season 4 and then I’m going to go web surfing for the Season 5 which will probably just depress me further because David Tennant isn’t in it. T_T I am all for Doctor Rose stuff. Of course Doctor Donna isn’t too bad either! ^_^
What else for today? Well nothing really. Kids, Dr Who….
WELL! There was this one thing with this guy on the IPB forums but he’s starting to get on my nerves. I’m about ready to utilize the Ignore system for the second time ever and it will be the second time in less then a month. Why do I have to be so nice to people? I mean I’m not here. If anything I’m downright rude most of the time because I’m just mean and it shows but I try not to be. I mean I’m a moody bitch but I’m not really all that cruel but sometimes I want to be. Blunt. That’s the word, blunt or brash. I’m just rarely able to turn that filter on but I am nice enough, when I’m not annoyed.
Whatever I guess. C’est La Vie as I always say. I will see what tomorrow brings me for a day. Depending on how it goes depends on if I utilize the ignore function.
Hope you’re having a smashing day!!
Gah! I’m having naughty thoughts about not posting a blog tonight. I’ve been bad enough barely even posting a blog the past few days for lack of motivation (meaning I’ve been tired and not willing enough to push out a better post then what I did) and so I’ve been naughty. This is my outlet to try and keep me a little more sane then I normally am and to just have a place to vent a little.
So today’s adventures. My mum kept pushing and poking until I went to church with her. FAIL! I mean I am not an atheist by the furthest stretch of the imagination but I’m also not Mormon anymore, I haven’t been for almost a decade. Come to think of it I find that a lot of changes in my life happened when I was 17 because that was when I also lost faith in the Mormon church. Now my mum’s Mormon, which is good and well, they have been really awesome in helping her out in this hard time, but I’m not anymore. SO! I went to church with her today and I hated it, as I knew I would. It’s boring and short of learning more ammunition for why I am not Christian any longer I don’t learn anything of value. I only let my kids go because it’s like a free play group. <_< I know… I’m bad.
What else? Nothing really. Today has been a rather boring day. It was mostly because over half of it was wasted on the waste winds of Waste Church. Bleh. It sucks. I think I got one Smiley done today and the rest of the time I’ve been a little nostalgic and missing my old site but whatever. If they’d rather ban me then pretty much say, “Listen Bitch, do what we say or else” then that’s their perogative. I really didn’t even realize I had done anything wrong until the ban message. How sad is that? C’est La Vie I guess. Doesn’t make it any better or me any happier that my friends from there don’t talk to me so much or that I got mad at some of them and told them I didn’t want to talk to them anymore. T_T Whatever. I am past it and onto better things I hope. I know it’s for the better because I’m not consumed by the site like I used to be. I still miss the people though.
I did talk to Sparky a bit today but she seemed distracted so I left her alone and Arkasel always seems distracted and I don’t think Neph cares to talk to me at all anymore. Whatever I guess.
ON A BETTER NOTE!
I think I have a majority of my webcomic for this week planned out. I haven’t started working on it yet but I have considered what I am doing. It will be NEXT weeks webcomic that I will have to be worried about. Remember that wit and comedy that I told you that I don’t have? Well I really don’t have it and once I play out this weeks comic then I think I will be tapped dry. My brother suggested an idea but I am unsure if I want to use it right away, we will see, I might. It’s corny but funny and probably worth it just for the “facepalm lol” factor. We’ll see.
I NEED MORE MEMBERS! Go to WOOTFLAKES and join. It doesn’t matter who you are, if you want to make me to smile and keep writing comics then you should come and talk to me on my forum! Alright…. You don’t have to but you would certainly make me feel warm and fuzzy if you joined and helped me get the commiunity started off by posting in topics starting some, making suggestions. All that awesome forum stuff. ^_^
Alright. I think that’s it for the night. I’m going to probably shut down my depressing computer and watch Dr Who (which will probably just depress me further, BAARROOOWMAN!!! *shakes fist*)
<3333 you all and Hope you are having a good day!