Alright, so I think I took on too much and I’m starting to feel the effects of it. I’m unfocused, I have a constant ringing headache. I want to finish things but when I start looking at it I start to feel a little panicky, which honestly, isn’t anything like me.
I have a few projects that have deadlines and this normally doesn’t bother me but I’ve just been having such a hard time concentrating on it. I feel terrible, I know I’m letting people down, which just adds to my stress. I CAN DO IT. I know I can it’s just the lack of focus just makes doing anything really difficult.
What doesn’t help? The fact that I keep having things add to the stress, like I got rear ended last week, I scraped my leg at the pool I mean it feels like a never ending pile that I can never get out from under.
I have a day job, I have this other job I just don’t know if I can do it without really going for it and not having the standard day job. The stress of having both, I think is the root of my issues with doing this. I want to focus but after a long day/week at work I don’t feel up to working more. It’s not that I want to disappoint anyone I just really really want to unwind and I feel that I’m just constantly letting everyone I know down in this situation. I am going to finish the current projects that I have and then take some time away from it for a bit and just see what I can do for priorities on this. I need to have me time and time for this so I think what really needs to happen is that I set hours for this other job. Whether it’s Tues-Thursday from 5PM-9PM I think it’s a boundary I need to set for myself.
Help? Comments? Support? I feel like I’m drowning even though I’m not.
So today was Free Comic book day and I went to a comic store in Star Trek garb for a paramount pictures thing to! Totally won a pair of tickets to the screening of it here in AZ. I’m so stoked! I can’t wait to be there!
These are pics of everyone I was able to get or steal pictures of so enjoy! Everyone was awesome.
Some days I wish there were more hours in the day. If there were more hours in the day I could get more time to do things, spend more time with my kids and sleep more. All the things I feel I need but never feel I have time to do. I mean I have plenty of time with my kids (because I guess having a want for more time with my kids makes me a terrible mother or something like that) but more time would always be nice. I mean who wouldn’t want to hear more stories from your kids or help them more on their counting or the letter B that they can never seem to remember?
I don’t know. I am taking five minutes of my time to type this up because I with I had more time to do this and work on other projects but I have to sacrifice each of them for something else that I need to do or someone else I need to see. I swear, if I can suggest something, never become an adult. being an adult sucks.
Kid 4 life!
So I feel that my Morrgroove or Morrmojo or Mojo-Jojo is gone and never coming back. I feel uninspired dull and downright blechy most days. I’ll sit at my computer and things that make me inspired and happy to do online feel like chores. It’s not supposed to be this way. My hobbies should feel fun and exciting to come home to. I should want to get all of my other stuff out of the way so I can sit down and enjoy the happy things and life. But I don’t and it depresses me.
So the normal responses that I’m sure I’ll here is “Get a new hobby” or “If it depresses you then find out why” well I don’t know why. I love being at my computer. I love writing. I love coding websites. I love making images. I LOVE Rping and yet all of these things don’t inspire me at all. This could be the 12 hour days at work but really if that’s what is killing it for me then why did I enjoy them in the first place? Because it killed time? I used to itch to get home and turn on my laptop and see all the amazing things I missed that day and regret missing it. Now it’s just one more thing I need to do.
I need my Morrmuse back. It’s gone and I can’t find it. If you see her please send her straight back with my brain. It would be muchly appreciated.
Okay. So I’ve been a major Morrfail lately and I’ve not been posting in my blog. I’m pretty stressed out but I hope to get back into my groves this week. I don’t think it helps that I’ve been going to sleep at like 9PM, I must be getting old really. The last week or so has been relatively regular except for a few things, like my stepdad serving my mum with divorce papers. Bad day in the house.
So why am I Melodramatic Morrigan? Well last night, while watching Bones *Weird I know but keep reading* I realized something that made me very depressed. I am twenty five with two kids and no opportunities for romance anymore. I’m going to die by my worst fear, alone. I was just thinking about how impossible it is to hold a romantic relationship with two kids, it’s hard enough without them. I can’t even think of a reason why someone would be interested in me.
So I was thinking about it and I’m 25, not very old, and my life is (proverbial) already over. I can’t image a person that would want to be with me romantically while I have kids, especially kids that are as young as they are. I am a romantic at heart and sometimes watching romantic movies, shows, reading books and all that jazz really hurts. I want would adore having someone romantically interested in me, but I know that isn’t possible for me anymore. I am not sure that I would be able to accept romantic interest without a lot of pushing from someone that is interested in me.
I’m very lonely and I fear I will always be lonely because there may be no room for romance left in my life and even if it showed up I’m not sure I would accept it or recognize it. I want it but how could I accept it?
So yesterday I didn’t post. No excuse really, I fell asleep after a nice bath to soak my bones and muscles. It was a long day and I didn’t have the energy to do much after I put my kids to sleep.
So, onto the days activities (or yesterdays).
So I woke up and called my daughter’s teacher explaining that I couldn’t get her the vaccination and she said she’d call me back. She called me back and said that she’d work it out when I got to the class. We went to the class and there seemed to be no problems. Fantastic. Afterward it was a drive to the Zoo, waiting and then we got to go inside the zoo!
Well a zoo, like any other zoo, has a lot of animals and involves a lot of walking. With a two year old and a four year old (the forgotten stroller at home) it was a long day of looking and making sure they didn’t run away too far from me. Now this was probably one of the many times I’ve considered getting those child leashes. It was a lot of chasing and, sadly, yelling to make sure that my daughter didn’t run too far off with her friend Nate. Now I’m 25, I’m not old, I just don’t move very fast because I like to relax as I go. On top of that I was also carrying my son the entire time because he didn’t want to walk very often. Up, down, stop go. It was a long day and probably would have been better had I remembered the stroller for my son. >_<
We saw lots of animals. Giraffes I think was my daughter’s favorite along with the bear and the elephants and the monkeys and the horses.
I think my favorite part was either dancing on the endangered animal carousel between my kids OR! Petting the stingrays. They feel slimey but it’s awesome and my daughter got to touch one. Unfortunately she dropped the shrimp so she didn’t get to feed them. Yeah I’m weird but dancing on a carousel is hard because the centripetal force throws off your balance a little.
Also I think I took on Best Dressed Mom yesterday. I wore my black and white sundress with black goth boots and messy bun hair (which got messier from the son on the shoulders).
So it was a good day, long day and my kids had a ton of fun and I got to dance. All around win. It was even more win that my kids fell asleep almost the moment I started the car. It was cute and I’ll post the blurry pictures on twitpic here in a bit.