Morrgroove Gone

So I feel that my Morrgroove or Morrmojo or Mojo-Jojo is gone and never coming back. I feel uninspired dull and downright blechy most days. I’ll sit at my computer and things that make me inspired and happy to do online feel like chores. It’s not supposed to be this way. My hobbies should feel fun and exciting to come home to. I should want to get all of my other stuff out of the way so I can sit down and enjoy the happy things and life. But I don’t and it depresses me.

So the normal responses that I’m sure I’ll here is “Get a new hobby” or “If it depresses you then find out why” well I don’t know why. I love being at my computer. I love writing. I love coding websites. I love making images. I LOVE Rping and yet all of these things don’t inspire me at all.  This could be the 12 hour days at work but really if that’s what is killing it for me then why did I enjoy them in the first place? Because it killed time? I used to itch to get home and turn on my laptop and see all the amazing things I missed that day and regret missing it. Now it’s just one more thing I need to do.

I need my Morrmuse back. It’s gone and I can’t find it. If you see her please send her straight back with my brain. It would be muchly appreciated.

Oversensitive… and not in the sexual way

So as always I Morr fuck things up. I swear I have a natural aversion to goods things in my life. It’s like when good things come my way I avoid them like the plague but when bad things come I’m attracted to it like a magnet.

The newest Morrfuckup is that I met this guy (and don’t groan and be like oh one of those stories. STFU and listen) and it turns out that we have a lot in common. Mind you I’ve recently discovered that since I like a lot of things that I have a lot in common with a lot of guys. It’s really easy to find things that you have in common if you have a lot to be in common about, but it’s oddly different. I’m talking right down to the enjoying Hentai and porn here people. But anyways, I digress. So I fucked things up last night and really it is my fault and I know it is. I get overly sensitive especially when I don’t fully understand the gravity of what I’m not supposed to be let in on and it hurts, I’ll add a needless to say that I wasn’t in the best of moods because it was in fact the Anniversary of my brother David’s Death and it always hits me like a ton of bricks when I’m thinking it isn’t coming for me.

ANYWAYS! I got upset for no reason but it was a reason because I didn’t understand and I know that’s part of me but then when I tried to cheer him up he snapped at me and that just hurt my feelings and I’ve been hurt ever since.

Now afterward, this is one thing that we work on different wavelengths on and it’s difficult for me because part of it goes over my head and the other part of it just hits a brick wall and it totally throws me for a loop but he has no mannerisms. Or let me correct and say he has few mannerisms and it makes it hard to read. Now he tells me to just ask but I don’t like to ask. I feel pesteringy when I ask because I feel like that’s all I’m doing but he tells me to do it anyways and the other thing is that I have never been able to take things at face value. Ever. People don’t talk like that. There is always underlying innuendo or something that I’m missing and even with what happened there was because I just didn’t know the difference between upset and freaking out. It’s a big difference and it makes it difficult to know what to do if I don’t know what that difference is. Another difference is when I’m upset, no matter how I’m upset (sometimes even when I tell you to get the fuck away) I want to be cheered up or pushed back on. I like to know I’m wanted and I know he wants me but instead of getting push back I pretty much just fell over.

Zayzie did cheer me up a bit but then I fell right back down the pit when I talked to him today.

So I said mean things that I did and didn’t mean. At least I think so. I’ve been hurt and I’m sad and all cry-ey which is really odd. I only say that because of all of the boys I’ve been with I didn’t cry for too long afterwards or regret it really either. I mean I sometimes wish there were ways to fix it but looking back I’m better off without and I really regret the things I said.

He’s mad at me and I understand. I broke up with him because I was upset.

I’m a Morron.

I feel bad and I love him but I don’t know if it’s fixable. I hate when I can’t fix it.

Another thing is he doesn’t like when I apologize but I apologize a lot. It’s just something I do. Whether it’s because I’m a submissive or I’m genuine or I feel that it’s the way to get everyone happy again. I like when people are happy. I like to be happy so I apologize and he hates it and he snaps at me about that too. I don’t know what to do to fix it as I can’t wipe it away but C’est La Vie.

As always. I fuck everything up.

I am a horrible person. And we weren’t even testing for that.

#Morrfail

NaNo Begins

So the month of NaNoWriMo begins and I am ill prepared and barely aware. >_< I have been sitting, considering what I would write about for three weeks, never making solid plans and now it’s here and I have little to no idea what I will be writing about during the tumultuous time of NaNo. I have nothing more then a basic world idea and the fact that I want to write about it.

Morrfail!

So what does this mean? I need to go crazy about thinking at work on my breaks and my time off of the phones to figure out what direction I will go after work and really hammer some stuff out. On average I will have 2 hours a day to actually get any writing done. I don’t think that I’ve ever powered out 1600 words of writing per day in 2 hours but I’m certainly going to try.

At the moment my ideas are to either continue Supermassive (the novel I started last year) or start one of two ideas. One is a Girls Run the world novel about how their is an STD that kills women or one about how an innocent company creates an overbearing Social media platform that creates a dystopia. I think the former is the one I’ve decided on I just don’t know the perspective I was writing from. I was pretty sure I was going to do it post war but maybe I’ll do it pre-war but at the same time I have to figure out who is writing the story and why. Work will have it in for me. I better start the headache meds now.

Well to the work chopping block and headache and to the NaNo not prepared grind! I can do this!

Nothin’ to report

Okay, I really did lie about the whole “I won’t use lines from movies thing” I mean I’ve now brought in the Incredibles. I fail. #morrfail

ALRIGHT! Now time to give all you people something to stare at, go ‘WTF!?’ and move on.

First thing for today…. I GOT SOMETHING DONE! Oh yeah, that’s right! I created a replacement article for IPB to allow admins to replace non-existent profile pictures with avatars, as long as they have an avatar. I’m sure I didn’t find everywhere on the main board but I got most of the essential places for it and I will eventually add the Blogs and Galleries as well. It was a sense of accomplishment of getting it working and then to be promoted on Coder’s Refuge made be all the more happy! Why? Probably because I had this strong sense of accomplishment for the day.

After I succeeded in this adventure I felt the need to not do anything for hours but I was unable to. I simply moved on to attempting more dangerous feats. Next…. I looked at the code I need to change *ie the CSS for the) blogs and then said “Screw that” and went to do other things. Like chat with people for a few hours and help my daughter work on her homework.

Then, toward the end of my fantastically adventurous day I began to re-vamp Ebi1 R0ot! to be more scalable. This means that I adnventured into the dangerous land of Illustrator. It was scary. I had to keep my wits about me so I wouldn’t throw my poor, defenseless, innocent computer across the room in frustration. Luckily I was successful and even more so when I created the new Ebi1 R0ot! Why do you ask? Mostly because I’d rather revamp him now instead of in a year. Another reason is that my brother helped me and lastly? Because he looks so much cuter now. You can see him at his site, Wootflakes

WOW! Today really is a nothing to report sort of day. I haven’t really much else to talk about. Successful coding, successful coloring (I even stayed in the lines) and successful ignoring things that I probably should have been doing.

Kid stuff?
Day 1 with the potty, still no interest but he does know that the thing makes a sound, he just doesn’t know how yet.
My daughter still has a cold and is coughing up a storm. I hope she feels better soon.

You know, speaking of kids, I wish computers were cheaper and I had a bit extra money to buy two cheap laptops for my kids to use. They always want to play games on my laptop but I swear to god they are like master genius of messing up every setting known to man, even ones that haven’t been made yet. It’s like a black hole of settings and they know how to change every single one of them without a bat of an eyelash. At least on their own computers I wouldn’t care what they did and I can disable access to evil things like the Internet and porn and things. Well probably, more specifically, pictures of me and my own websites. This site is certainly not intended for children. If it is, or it seems that way… You were completely mislead.

OKAY! Now I think that’s really it. Mostly because I’m tired and falling asleep at the keyboard again. Also my brain has melted from a day of awesome!

Goodnight everyone. Hope you’re having a good day. ^_^