Passive Aggressive Manipulation, Sad to lose a friend

So I recently had a falling out with one of my oldest RP friends. I’m very tore up about it, it makes me very sad that this has happened as it was all around a bad situation.

It was a lot of shit that piled up to a large culmination of me putting my foot down.

Now let me explain, the aggression wasn’t outrightly directed about me but that doesn’t mean that it would not in some way affect me. It’s naive to think that something that is aimed at other people in my life won’t somehow affect how I feel or the things that go on and the way that those people feel. I’m a very empathetic person, I tend to be angry when people are angry and I’m sad when their sad. This doesn’t mean I’m being manipulated, in fact, quite the contrary. It means that I’m being informed instead of ignorant.

The way people treat other people is a very important aspect of knowing and caring for someone else and seeing the way that this person attacked people that I knew really harmed me, harmed my feelings to know that I am friends with such a vindictive person. Now please don’t mistake, I am human, I am vindictive and I lash out when hurt but I feel that they were starting to push the limits too far and push the aggression past an appropriate level.

I watched it happen.
I tried to cull it in in a positive manner.
My positivity did not diminish their negativity.

After a tireless effort to try and stem the behavior with subtle hints that they were being such I finally had to put my foot down and tell them that their words and actions were hurting me and I asked them to make a choice between my friendship and this vindictive grudge that they were on a crusade to express to harm people around me.

Unfortunately they chose the grudge

I think overall, what hurts me the most is that the person couldn’t see past the blind rage of hurt to the fact that instead of mending a wound they were making more. They blame me for being manipulated when I made every decision and every approach myself without consult to anyone else from start to finish as well as I was the one that identified anything I brought to them as it was not harmful to the other people (it was but that was not why I brought it to them) but because it was indirectly harmful to me.

I know some things hurt but that’s no reason to hurt other people. I hope that everything gets better for anyone hurting right now and I certainly hope that when you are hurt that you can see past that and try not to hurt other people and if you do at least recognize it eventually and apologize. If you don’t, then I’m sorry.

Morrgroove Gone

So I feel that my Morrgroove or Morrmojo or Mojo-Jojo is gone and never coming back. I feel uninspired dull and downright blechy most days. I’ll sit at my computer and things that make me inspired and happy to do online feel like chores. It’s not supposed to be this way. My hobbies should feel fun and exciting to come home to. I should want to get all of my other stuff out of the way so I can sit down and enjoy the happy things and life. But I don’t and it depresses me.

So the normal responses that I’m sure I’ll here is “Get a new hobby” or “If it depresses you then find out why” well I don’t know why. I love being at my computer. I love writing. I love coding websites. I love making images. I LOVE Rping and yet all of these things don’t inspire me at all.¬† This could be the 12 hour days at work but really if that’s what is killing it for me then why did I enjoy them in the first place? Because it killed time? I used to itch to get home and turn on my laptop and see all the amazing things I missed that day and regret missing it. Now it’s just one more thing I need to do.

I need my Morrmuse back. It’s gone and I can’t find it. If you see her please send her straight back with my brain. It would be muchly appreciated.

Oversensitive… and not in the sexual way

So as always I Morr fuck things up. I swear I have a natural aversion to goods things in my life. It’s like when good things come my way I avoid them like the plague but when bad things come I’m attracted to it like a magnet.

The newest Morrfuckup is that I met this guy (and don’t groan and be like oh one of those stories. STFU and listen) and it turns out that we have a lot in common. Mind you I’ve recently discovered that since I like a lot of things that I have a lot in common with a lot of guys. It’s really easy to find things that you have in common if you have a lot to be in common about, but it’s oddly different. I’m talking right down to the enjoying Hentai and porn here people. But anyways, I digress. So I fucked things up last night and really it is my fault and I know it is. I get overly sensitive especially when I don’t fully understand the gravity of what I’m not supposed to be let in on and it hurts, I’ll add a needless to say that I wasn’t in the best of moods because it was in fact the Anniversary of my brother David’s Death and it always hits me like a ton of bricks when I’m thinking it isn’t coming for me.

ANYWAYS! I got upset for no reason but it was a reason because I didn’t understand and I know that’s part of me but then when I tried to cheer him up he snapped at me and that just hurt my feelings and I’ve been hurt ever since.

Now afterward, this is one thing that we work on different wavelengths on and it’s difficult for me because part of it goes over my head and the other part of it just hits a brick wall and it totally throws me for a loop but he has no mannerisms. Or let me correct and say he has few mannerisms and it makes it hard to read. Now he tells me to just ask but I don’t like to ask. I feel pesteringy when I ask because I feel like that’s all I’m doing but he tells me to do it anyways and the other thing is that I have never been able to take things at face value. Ever. People don’t talk like that. There is always underlying innuendo or something that I’m missing and even with what happened there was because I just didn’t know the difference between upset and freaking out. It’s a big difference and it makes it difficult to know what to do if I don’t know what that difference is. Another difference is when I’m upset, no matter how I’m upset (sometimes even when I tell you to get the fuck away) I want to be cheered up or pushed back on. I like to know I’m wanted and I know he wants me but instead of getting push back I pretty much just fell over.

Zayzie did cheer me up a bit but then I fell right back down the pit when I talked to him today.

So I said mean things that I did and didn’t mean. At least I think so. I’ve been hurt and I’m sad and all cry-ey which is really odd. I only say that because of all of the boys I’ve been with I didn’t cry for too long afterwards or regret it really either. I mean I sometimes wish there were ways to fix it but looking back I’m better off without and I really regret the things I said.

He’s mad at me and I understand. I broke up with him because I was upset.

I’m a Morron.

I feel bad and I love him but I don’t know if it’s fixable. I hate when I can’t fix it.

Another thing is he doesn’t like when I apologize but I apologize a lot. It’s just something I do. Whether it’s because I’m a submissive or I’m genuine or I feel that it’s the way to get everyone happy again. I like when people are happy. I like to be happy so I apologize and he hates it and he snaps at me about that too. I don’t know what to do to fix it as I can’t wipe it away but C’est La Vie.

As always. I fuck everything up.

I am a horrible person. And we weren’t even testing for that.

#Morrfail

Networking

So if you knew it or not I’m working on writing a book and to do that I’ve been reading a rather informative book on how to get myself published. Mind you I’m an extremely slow reader and I have had little time to actually do any writing with being exhausted from work but I’m trying really hard. I have my game plan in motion on how I want to continue I just need the time and focus to do so. So, back to the explanation, it talks about networking and making a market for my book, finding that market or seeking it out. Now, that sounds like a great plan but I find a few flaws with that system.

Who is my market?

While I want to believe everyone is my market, obviously my market will stray to the Sci-Fi fantasy people and even maybe on the slightly gothic side.

Well Sci-Fi is an extremely broad realm, where would I start?

Well you’d think at Sci-Fi sites, but I go to a Sci-Fi site and all I see are things about pace and things. So I have a niche of Sci-Fi right? Dystopia. Because that is a sub genre for Sci-Fi that my book should fall into.

Where do I go for Dystopia?

http://dystopia.com/ That’s the obvious choice right? But where is the community behind that? There are great film and book suggestions there but where is the community I’m looking for. So lets google it. When you google Dystopia you get facts and lists of Dystopia as a genre, still no community right?

Well what about who inspired it? Muse.

Well there is a great community that follows muse but what would make them interested in a “Muse inspired Dystopia”? What would draw that crowd to me as a writer? Well our love of Muse but I’m not a deeply musical person. I love music but how does that fit in with a book that I want to publish to promote it? Well get the people and they will love it? Well I want to but how does one wriggle there way into the community of something so intertwined? What would one do to try and reach out to other Muse fans and tell them that I am inspired to write a book that might be to their fancy as it is inspired by the same music that they listen to? How would one truly integrate themselves?

Well there is always building a website?

Well I have websites. I have many in fact. I even have a roleplay based in the world that I have created for this book, mind you it is far more lax then the actual book will be because I have to make it playable but it is a website dedicated to the world the book is in.

Then get people attracted to the site!

Ok! Come to http://knightsofcydonia.org join and RP! Did it work? Did I get you hooked enough to join? Have questions? Ask me there. *tests said theory*

Another method is to do things like Podcasts and Tweets and Facebook about myself, about my book, about things my book is about and things like that. Well that’s fine and dandy if I were making a book on how the world today is a Dystopia but I am not (mind you I do believe modern day America is a modern day Dystopia, ruled and controlled by the market, want to know more show your interest and I will blog about it). Now Podcasts, Sure, I’ll do a podcast but what would it be about? Same things I’ve been talking about? I really want to start building this world of people interested in my work but really where does it start for a fiction writer? Where would I push to get people to like me as an author?

My answer to that is through my blog here. While I only update semi-regularly I think that this is my best bet to gain any interest whatsoever. I do post my chapters to my Fanfiction here. I think that I may try to write short stories and post them here too. I certainly think that it would do me a world of good to concentrate on something that will focus me artistically, even if I’m tired. It says to work hard and work tirelessly. Well I’m already tired so lets either get changed into a vampire or turned into a zombie so I can work even harder. I want to do this. I CAN do this! I have never wanted something to be completed so badly in my life.

Here is my attempt as a working tirelessly person:

  • I will try to post something on this blog at minimum bi-weekly.
  • I will try to post a short story set in the world I am creating at least monthly.
  • I will try to keep this schedule as best as I can, even when stressed, tired or otherwise physically and mentally strained.
  • I will try to respond to all tweets/facebook requests and blog comments in a timely fashion.
  • I will try to keep up with my social networking medias so that you know that I am diligently trying to get this done.
  • I will try to post updates as far as which chapter I have completed and how many words are done on the story, periodically.
  • I will try to be a better person/mother/girlfriend/daughter/sister even during times that I may feel pressured or sad.
  • I will try not to cop out and talk only about my emotions, having ideas and writing them down when I get them.
  • I will ask for advice on things that I may not know much about.
  • I will make myself as available as I can to both connect with people and be helpful in things that you may need help with.
  • I will get published no matter what it takes.

Only One Morrigan

So, I have a new boy that I am dating and he has a somewhat obsessive ex that thought that he was cheating on her with me because we chatted on IM. Long story short it wasn’t true. He broke up with her and now she’s causing a big massive amount of llama drama which is sadly not llama-ey, just drama-ey.

Now to continue this fantastic story the other day she sent the boy in question a message that appeared to be a copy and paste of a FB conversation that she had started with me. Mind you, I have only sent her one correspondence and that was because she demanded one from me , to the boy. So I sent her a message back, that was pre-approved by both my Internet wife and my boy before I sent it. SO, this message was as follows:

Just so you know, we did sleep together. He’s not yours to control and he can do whatever he wants.
Also the hickeys were from me, but had I known he wouldn’t last that long I may have thought twice.
So you know what why don’t you stay away from him. He doesn’t want you anymore.
He’s found a better woman to be with, he doesn’t even know you exist anymore so just give up!
He told me how bad you were, how crazy you are. Well guess what, now he’s mine just like I knew he’d be.
So get lost and stay away from MY man.

Now reading that, if you don’t know me, is pretty good attempt at trying to pretend to be me. Unlike this person, there is capitalization and punctuation and even seems somewhat coherent, it’s not even close to something I would write. Lets break it down on how Un-Morrigan like it really is.

  • First things first, I ALWAYS name the puppy. I don’t care if you know exactly what or who I’m talking about, if I’m being administrative in any way I name the puppy so Geo( my boy’s name) would have been mentioned first sentence.
  • While I can be talkative I’m not long winded. If anything, as you can tell, I am rather blunt.
  • I tend to not use the phrase Just so you know, especially when I’m talking to someone that I’m not on good terms with. It’s just not a common phrase unless I’m on the phone informing someone of something extra. This information that I supposedly wrote was not just a “so you know” thing. This correspondence that I wrote is more or less a “bitch please” and so the phrase doesn’t fit.
  • The “he can do whatever he wants” sounds so South Park-ish to me. I guess maybe but I would keep any correspondence with this woman, to be honest, about her and not about my boy, since that’s actually where the problem lies.
  • I find the word hickeys lewd. I much prefer a gentler term like “Love Bites” or “Marked”
  • I would never discuss sex with someone that I didn’t feel comfortable about it with. Which I don’t really care but I mean I certainly wouldn’t talk shop with an ex. Not really my thing. If you guys really want to know the truth? He rocks my socks.
  • I am not a jealous person, I actually support being friends with people that need it. Then again I may not support him being friends with her just because of her negative behavior but that’s mostly because I’ve had enough negativity in my life to know that it doesn’t get you anywhere, just sticks you in the mud and makes it difficult to move forward.
  • I don’t believe that he doesn’t want her, well maybe he doesn’t, but honestly I know that people that have long relationships, regardless of how they act, care in a deeper manner even if they aren’t the right match for one another. I do believe that he would like to be friends with her because I think he does respect her despite her flaws.
  • I, by no means, think I am a better¬† person then this woman. I just know I’m different, nothing more, nothing less.
  • I absolutely do not believe that he doesn’t know she exists anymore. She texts him all the time and he doesn’t ignore her (did you know I had mind blowing 69 sex that I don’t even remember. Neither does he.Weird. It must have been so amazing we both got a bout of amnesia about it.)
  • He did tell me about the jealousy and things but I would focus on that. really, it’s her life, she should live it how she wants it.
  • I never said I knew he would be mine. Hell, had he said he had a girlfriend I wouldn’t have even have thought he was on the market, not even a small bit.
  • I don’t tell people to get lost, I tell them to gtfo (get the fuck off).
  • I would never say “MY man!” it sounds too Jerry Springer. Not just that there is no exclamation to emphasize it. I would simply say mine.
  • I also don’t single space anything unless I’m writing disconnected thought sentences that relate to one another.
  • Lastly, I probably would have summed the entire thing up in about two sentences. “Stop being a fucking cunt licking bitch and take care of your daughter instead of focusing your life problems on someone that, honestly, should be commended for putting forth the effort to help someone that honestly doesn’t appear to want to help themselves. Have a good life, I wish you and your daughter the best and I can’t wait until we can maybe be friends.<333 Morr”

I’m sure there is more but that’s all I feel the want to talk about. Needless to say my boy wants to talk on the phone and is fucking distracting me from writing any further so I will leave it here and bid you ado and enjoy the lols because Morr <33’s you! Feel free to post your comments if you want.

Coding Inadequacies – From Brain to Code

So I was talking to a friend and one of my fellow RPers Anon administrators and neither of us are very happy with the Social networking softwares that we have found to change RPers Anon over to the new software that we find fills the needs and dreams we want to make for it. We already switched to Dolphin which is alright but it certainly is just “too much” and not very intuitive. There are far too many dependent modules and it is far too expensive to get the features that we want. So we’ve been looking into other means of getting the results that we want.

We’ve tried Elgg, which looks like the most promising but the support in the community is lacking as well as the basic functionality that we want for the site.
She’s tried Drupal (the bane of my existence)
I’ve looked at other softwares and they are either expensive or ugly to even look at let alone consider skinning.

Now that leads to the reason why I’m even blogging at the moment, I WANT WHAT IS IN MY BRAIN TO JUST APPEAR. I Want the code to just appear from my head, perfectly formatted, and give me what I want. I’m nowhere near coding savvy enough to make something that is secure and nice. (I’ve tried and it was a very poor attempt back then, let alone looking back on it now). I really want something not too elaborate or needy. I mean the basic things that we want is:
Members
Messaging
Friends
Groups
Fan Pages
Statuses of some sort
Notifications
An update of what the person is doing around the site
Discussions (preferably just in Groups I don’t think I need a general forum anymore at all)
Site Directory (Which might be integrated into the Fan Pages)
Profile Comments
Liking things on profiles and in groups (to go into what the person is doing on the site)
A Default Portal page that has this information laid out in a nice fashion.

Now looking at the list I feel like it’s a lot of stuff (especially since I have a feeling it’s not the entire list) but there are things that irritate me and I want something that my members can really connect with for RP. I don’t want a basic forum. I want an honest to god, made for RPers, by RPers Social Network but I can’t afford to buy someone to code something for me.

Maybe if someone loves me enough they will be inclined to help me out. I’m not a complete coding dunce but I’m a poor mum. Maybe I can exchange awesome Morrness (posts and IMs and Tweets and general time spent) for some intense coding help or even some development help.

Wishful thinking I’m sure…