Low Self Esteem

So this isn’t a new revelation to me. It was developed in lower school grades and as I got older it didn’t go away. It’s still a major issue for me to know that I’m doing good or looking good or whatever rendition thereof that I need to make sure that I’m living up to or better then people’s expectations of me. I know, particularly shallow of me, but it’s majorly where my shiny attitude comes from. Shine on me or be shiny around me and I’m a shiny person if I don’t get shined on then I’m normally gloomy. It makes sense if you think about the sun and clouds. <_<

So I have my boy and I love his cute little face to death but when I start to get a little down the small amount of affection, that was getting me down in the first place most likely, drops off the face of the earth which just plummets me into a very sad and serious panda. Last night I had a breakdown. He was on the game again and I was missing my kids and my affection from any facet. I was not feeling so shiny and it’s hard for me to relay these things most of the time verbally (normally I just beg for attention in other ways, shaking my bum or getting in your face or try to get touchy feely or my worst case scenario is sighy and quiet). I feel like everything I say is clouded to him because I back it up with emotions no matter what it is. He thinks it’s a device or something and I just try to hide it now but that just makes me all the more frustrated. I’ve considered ways to approach him about it but I can’t find one giving up instead and I’m afraid that if I don’t find this way and keep conceding defeat then I’m going to explode (as I normally do with these things) and then all hell will break loose (as they normally do) and I don’t want it to happen that way I want it to work out but I don’t have a good way to say, “just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean you should drop affection.” it’s frustrating me. I’m confused. I’m hurt all over.

I know part of this is my normal lack of children interaction during the days at work. I get default affection from them, even if it’s simply “MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM” or screaming and crying. I still get it and I know I’m needed and wanted. My things are always there for me and I love them all the more for that but I want the boy to be there for me to. I wish there was a “How to read signals” or “How to read minds” book that I can read and introduce to my boyfriend because I think this would fix most of my problem here.

I do appreciate you guys listening to me rant. I feel a little less upset and angry about it now because I sound a little silly I know. I also know that I do need to find a positive way to negotiate an understanding of how to make me feel better when I don’t feel great. Normally even forcing me to stop and just giving me a hug and a passionate kiss would help. I just like to feel wanted no matter what is gong on. The world could be crumbling around and life still wouldn’t be that bad.

I want this to work but I can’t keep trumping what I need because he gets mad at me.

About Morrigan

I'm a divorced mother of two trying to find a knack in life. I am unsure if I've found it yet but I'm working on it. It is one of those things that you have to take time to find and unfortunately I'm impatient.
Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply