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So this morning I awoke remembering a piece of my dream. It was one of the strangest dreams I think I've ever had. Now to start off I only started watching the guys youtube videos because he reads Twilight in a way I can understand without torturing myself through actually reading it and I think his commentary is hilarious (and a friend showed it to me) but I've never really watched much more then that, except the Atheist's puzzle thing about two days ago. As for attractiveness, I don't know. I don't think he's unattractive but this is just plain weird. So my dream The man that was in my dream was Nerimon aka Alex Day. And the dream honestly wasn't very long but weird. I think it was a combination of reading spam yesterday and exhaustion or maybe some subliminal message that I like men that are unavailable (which I already knew and knew why). First part of my dream involved this blog and Nerimon commented on my blog. I don't know what it said because, well it was a dream I can't read things in dreams. But I was so excited because I honestly don't get a lot of legit comments but I know it was a compliment on my last blog post. I got all stoked and he started reading my blog regularly and we became friends. Then it's starting to get hazy so I'm starting to lose the dream here. I remember it ended up with Nerimon and I in some sort of bizarre relationship and we were very happy about it. Disclaimer: I do not know Nerimon nor think that he reads my blog. I don't expect anything, the above was just a dream that I had last night. My interpretation of the dream Well I believe it's my brain telling me what I already know. I'm lonely (despite having my kids, it's an intimate loneliness) and I like to be infatuated with men that are completely unavailable to me. Why? Because I don't want to burden someone with my problems and my kids. It's a mean thing to do despite my yearn for romance and intimacy. Being divorced has pretty much solidified my intimate loneliness so I try to make up for it with my stories, obviously my fantasies and my kids. While my kids can't give me the romance and intimacy that I want they give me love which is enough and I know it despite want for more.
So I've still been stressed. I think I find it hard to write about my life when I'm stressed. I think that stems from the fact that if I write about my stressful life, while I'm stressed about it, it just makes me MORE stressed. It's just not very fun to say the least. So any of my loyal followers that like to read my random rants, I apologize. With the stupid stepdad stuff and then the move I've just not been all ranty and ravey. Well that's not true, I HAVE been all ranty and ravey but I just haven't been motivated to talk about it. Tonight isn't bad but I don't really have much to rave about. That is unless you count my ankle! So! I've been moving the past week and up and down stairs, lift, back pain, exhaustion right? Well this is awesome! I'm sitting here walking down the stairs with a big drawer from the armoire and I seemed to forget how the stairs worked, or the step vanished like in HP because I went from having 3 steps left until the landing to sitting on the landing floor with a hurting ankle and tears streaming down my face THIS WAS THE SECOND FUCKING TIME THAT THIS HOUSE ATTACKED ME THIS WEEK! The first time I was sitting down at the computer after a long days work, relaxing on the floor when BAM! the bed frame to my bed came crashing down on my head! (Awesome I just rhymed a little) It cut my head open and I was crying then too. I swear I haven't cried that much since my husband told me that he wanted a divorce or the last time that I thought about my brother Davey. Sad days in the Morrigan house. Right now I'm hoping that my ankle will improve drastically by tomorrow. I really hate hobbling and I hate not being to help like I should. I'm a strong woman, or not a wimpy one, and so I should be lifting things not frowning and hobbling about when I can't seem to get something or it hurts because I can't walk right. The kids like the new house though. Fae was given her own Harry Potter-esque room under the stairs. It was mostly because she was complaining about it and Grandma is awesome so she gave her, her own room. Grandma-win on this one. She went to bed down there tonight and we'll see how it works out in the morning. Really I just need to get a job so I can get my own place but the economy in AZ SUCKS!!! Just thought I'd put that out there. Also, the neighbors here are very awesome! Great kid neighborhood and the parents seem very friendly. I didn't even feel like an outsider, like my kids will be set apart, no, they seem to be fitting right in which is especially awesome. So, on top of Madness fail I'm also wootfailing at my webcomic. I haven't updated for a few weeks there either. about the same amount that I've been missing posting here. I will be changing that shortly though! I intend to be doing a week of webcomics starting Monday so that you all know that I'm not dead and that I love you for reading my bizarre stuff. I hope that will make up for the weeks miss and keep you reading for the weeks to come. Website updates? I'm a domain name addict. I just bought two new domains that will probably sit dormant until I figure out what to do with them. I got Woothappens.com and RPersanonymous.com. I know what I'm going to do with RPers Anonymous, it's going to be an RP resource forum for both administrators and roleplayers. It will probably start off on something self-hosted but if it grows enough I think I will ask for donations to upgrade it to IPB. (IPB is by far the best forum software in the world) As for Woot Happens I think that I might make it into some sort of site that you can submit your Woot moments and link it to Wootflakes. We'll see. ^_^ I think that's it for now. Nighty Night everyone! Unpleasant dreams.... or whatever that Elvira lady used to say.
Okay. So I've been a major Morrfail lately and I've not been posting in my blog. I'm pretty stressed out but I hope to get back into my groves this week. I don't think it helps that I've been going to sleep at like 9PM, I must be getting old really. The last week or so has been relatively regular except for a few things, like my stepdad serving my mum with divorce papers. Bad day in the house. So why am I Melodramatic Morrigan? Well last night, while watching Bones *Weird I know but keep reading* I realized something that made me very depressed. I am twenty five with two kids and no opportunities for romance anymore. I'm going to die by my worst fear, alone. I was just thinking about how impossible it is to hold a romantic relationship with two kids, it's hard enough without them. I can't even think of a reason why someone would be interested in me. So I was thinking about it and I'm 25, not very old, and my life is (proverbial) already over. I can't image a person that would want to be with me romantically while I have kids, especially kids that are as young as they are. I am a romantic at heart and sometimes watching romantic movies, shows, reading books and all that jazz really hurts. I want would adore having someone romantically interested in me, but I know that isn't possible for me anymore. I am not sure that I would be able to accept romantic interest without a lot of pushing from someone that is interested in me. I'm very lonely and I fear I will always be lonely because there may be no room for romance left in my life and even if it showed up I'm not sure I would accept it or recognize it. I want it but how could I accept it? Forever lonely, Morrigan